Bad Advice

Boo hoo!

Salon's Cary Tennis is at it again (you'll have to watch an Audi ad to read it, so I'll save you the trouble). Today's reader is a whiney, under-employed, lonely guy with trust issues. Every year, his wealthy mom sends him a dress shirt and tie for xmas, even though he's told her time and again that he doesn't want a dress shirt and tie, nor does he have any occasion to wear it.

Given that mothers are second only to boyfriends in the not-retaining-a-single-thing-you-say department and second to none when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior, I'd say this guy is getting off easy and should grow the hell up already. I remember getting pissed off about stuff like this back when I was a blue-haired teenager and my mom would give me lace-collared Laura Ashley frocks in the hopes that I'd someday become the daughter she wished she'd had, instead of the slutty derelict she wound up with. By the time I was in my early 20s, I'd quit arguing and started returning.

Families are supposed to make you nuts. It's what they do.

Snoopy!

Though technically part of the Tuh-HERsday section, I thought Sebastian Hart's "BFF" column deserved its own entry.

Today Sebastian hears from a young lady who suspected her boyfriend of cheating, hacked into his email account, and found out she was right. She's all worried that her wandering bf will be angry that she didn't trust him (!!) and doesn't know what to do. Seb stupidly comes up with a convoluted solution involving emailing the other woman and engaging in all manner of drama.

Wrong.

Cheating is worse than snooping. Especially when snooping nets results. Unless she's psychotic, most women won't snoop unless they have reason to be suspicious. As for confronting him, it's none of his business how she found out he was cheating. She certainly doesn't owe him honesty or anything else. Ahem.

The Worst Advice I've Ever Gotten

I'm consider myself a fairly lucky lady, because over the years, my friends have generally offered me very good counsel Not that I've always followed it (dump. him. now.), but it's generally been offered in a nice manner, even during times when they probably should've taken a brick to my skull.

I've even had strangers offer sound, unsolicited advice--interestingly enough (or not, given how much time I used to spend in bars)--both amateur counselors were bartenders.

The first time it happened was at Sweetwater, back when it was a dirty little shithole. Some freakish, but marginally handsome (at least through vodka goggles), guy started chatting me up. He was laying it on fast and thick and I was buying it. He was between me and the bar and as I looked up to grab my drink, I noticed Marina, the bartender, wildly gesticulating "NOOOOO!!!!" using pretty much her entire body.

I am pleased to say that I followed her advice and didn't go home with him that night, thinking my judgement might be a bit impaired. But I did give him my phone number. The next day he called. And called. And called again. At the time, I thought his eagerness was cute (duh!) and made a date to see him that night. Long story short, by ignoring her advice, I gained one stalker.

So the next time a (different) bartender gave me the universally acknowledged don't-go-there warning sign I took heed and hightailed it on home, solo.

But the worst advice I ever got (which I also stupidly followed), was from a friend, who, upon hearing about how mind-blowingly dismal my then-boyfriend was in the sack, advised me that the sex would eventually get better. She assured me that the first time was always lame and that his uncoordinated, spastic, flopping about would, with time, turn into something beautiful. Something caring. Something hot.

She was wrong. Sooooo wrong. In fact, this dude was so atrocious, so inept, so lacking in even the basic skills d'amour, I was inspired to write a play about it! I even called the thing Bad Sex.

What's the worst advice you've ever gotten?

Speaking of Planetary Alignments. . . .

John Grey, he of Men are from Mars/Women are from Whereever fame, is all about improving relationships. In fact, for $20 for 20 minutes, he'll even hook you up with a relationship coach! Unclear as to whether this coaching is done over the phone or via email, but isn't your marriage worth $20?

I didn't think so. (Although if anyone would like to pay me to fix their relationship, I'm willing to do it for the bargain basement price of $10 for 20 minutes. But the agreement is, you have to do what I say, no matter how outlandish it might sound. That includes wearing funny pants and singing rhyming songs if I request.)

As if all those uproarious appearances on Oprah weren't enough, Grey really shows his sense of humor on his website, listing "25 Ways a Woman Can Superglue her Marriage."

Apparently this involves treating your husband like he's a mentally-challenged puppy. "Shower him with thank you's" is one brill tip. Even if it's something that you'd normally just consider common courtesy--like wiping up the beer he just spilled all over the sofa--be sure to make a big fuss over him. "Who's mommy's good boy?!?!" I'm guessing proferring a Liva-Snap is left to the wife's discretion.

"If he's on a low-fat diet. . . seek out recipes his doctor would approve of." Because  if you're interested in supergluing your marriage, you're obviously woman enough to cook all the meals, because ladies who want to be good wives, certainly don't work outside the home or have anything better to do than concoct delicious tofu recipes for their fatass spouse.

Remember that "husbands cannot connect with their wives when they're being corrected." In other words, stifle it.

Reading the rest of the article would require a financial commitment of $10 for a one-month membership and I guess I'm just not krazy (glued).