Bad Advice

TV OD

The other morning I woke up sobbing. The nightmare that inspired such waterworks: I dreamed I'd cheated on the Large Greek with Jenny Motherfucking Schecter. Thank christ the sex part of the dream had occurred off-screen as it were, and I only had to deal with the aftermath. If I'd actually done the deed with her (even if only in my head) I'd have no choice but to reach in and scoop the dream portion of my brain out. Two days later and I'm still suffering periodic shudders.

In other news, what was up with Philip Seymour Hoffman's hair last night? You're at the Oscars, bub. Run a comb through that mess and while you're at it, shampoo is your friend. From the back—which, unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of—it appeared as though he's starting a head full of unfortunate white-boy dreads. I feel sorry for whoever got stuck sitting next to him because you could practically smell the funk through the screen. Yuck. I know PSH is all-method, all-the-time, so I can only guess he's playing a homeless guy next.

Because of the aforementioned Scary Jenny Schecter dream, I'm skipping my L Word update this week. You can read the blow-by-blow (and there was tons of sex!) at afterellen.com.

On a completely out-of-left-field note, this Guardian story on the newly re-habbed Shaun Ryder is an excellent read. In case you're thinking it's going to be some sanctimonious I-Was-Bad-Now-I'm-Good rehab claptrap, know that Shaun attributes his semi-sobriety to an alien abduction. He's not kidding either.

A Very Special Episode

All you L Word Haters—I'm talking to you Val and Ivan—you're just going to have to go read Gawker or some shit, because there has been a very troubling issue with the L Word this season and I need to address it.

Of course I'm speaking of the extreme lack of sex scenes. I'm not even going to address the Jenny Problem because this is more pressing: this show used to be a veritable boobie fest. What happened? Sure, last night we got to see Shane's titties again, but really, I've seen better on a 12-year-old boy. And, BTW, I generally loathe the word "titties," but it seems to fit what Shane's packing.

True, Kristanna Loken's set was impressive, but they were also preceded by an excruciating gay awareness lecture at Shay's school. That the stupid tolerance storyline took about about ten times as long as the Shane/Loken tryst did shows what's wrong with this show this season—they don't know who their audience is.

Hello? Anyone subscribing to Showtime for one reason and one reason only, and that's to see the L Word, is at least lesbian-friendly! (Or a horny straight guy, but whatever.) We don't need to hear about how bad it is that little kids call each other "gay" in the schoolyard! We know it's wrong and guess what—we're not the ones using it as an insult! Throw that scene into Everwood or Everybody Loves Raymond. You're preaching to the choir here!

"L" is for Loads Better, Thanks!

I realized that the last three things I've written included poop, puke and period. I vow to make this blog entry as fluid-free as humanly possible.

You're probably wondering what happened on the L Word Sunday night, aren't you? I know I'm a day late in providing a recap, but sometimes life gets in the way of the important things. Let's see. . . Cybill Shepard's character went down on Alice, which was kind of cute and funny. I am opening the closet door and coming out as a Cybill Shepard fan. She always looks so cheerfully nuts! Though I don't find her particularly attractive, I don't blame Alice for going there.

Pseudo-cholo Papi challenged Alice and her "bourgie" friends to throw down on the basketball court, which provided yet another retarded "very special lesson" in a season that looks to be chock full of them. Tina the Polesmoker stopped by to join the team, but you can bet that Dykie-Come-Lately (aka Jenny) had something to say about that:

Jenny: This is game is only for leeeessssbiaaaans.
Tina: I still identify as a lesbian.
Jenny: When you're walking down the street with your male luv-uh, enjoying all the perks of a heterosexist society, you're not a lesbian. [Or something like that.]
Tina: Being a lesbian is a political act.
Jenny: It's not who you vote for, it's who you fuck.

I think at this point we, the viewer, are meant to ponder which of the two is right. Maybe sip on a chai latte and ruminate on the different points of view the ladies brought up—what does make a lesbian a lesbian? Hmm. But frankly, Jenny and Tina are the most irritating characters on the show and I'd prefer they settle their argument with a razor fight.

This episode introduced the Marlee Matlin character whom I already want to punch. She's irreverent! She's fierce! She's Bette's intellectual equal (unlike the potential bunny-burner grad student Bette's inexplicably been schtupping), but most of all, she's handicapped! If they can manage to not make the deaf thing an issue, I'll be happy, but I highly doubt the writers will be able to resist. Sigh.

Max/Moira got dumped after coming out to the boss's daughter. I think we all saw this coming, though I predict the chick will be back for more. Just a hunch. The manny is about five seconds away from cheating on Kit with Tina's weird German fembot nanny. Poor Kit! Shane's little brother (who blessedly remains nearly mute, thus making it possible to refrain from hating him) broke his arm and so now Shane has to become a Hugo Boss underpant model to pay the hospital bills. I know I'd gladly become a Victoria's Secret model to pay my dental bills, but so far nobody's offered me the position.

But the best thing about this week's episode were the scenes from next week! Jenny's story gets (gag!) published in the New Yorker and apparently she's pulled a Truman Capote and dished dirt about all her friends. Alice, in particular, is pissed! Slap her! C'mon, punch her in the head! Alice, I know you can take that whiney little bitch!

L is for "Lukewarm"

Last night I did something I never do: I sat through part of a football game. A New England team was playing some other team and I guess it was a big deal. My friend blogger Red Sauce had invited me and the Large Greek over for dinner and since her girlfriend is a fan, we watched a little. I remain mystified by that game's appeal. The clock will read something like ten minutes left to go, but instead of ticking down like it would if you were running a marathon, the clock stops every five seconds or so. Ten minutes is suddenly three hours!

Anyway, it finally ended (don't ask me who won) and we turned to the L Word, already in progress. Hmm. No boobies, no circles, and, as usual, a little too much Jenny for my liking. She's still yelping about her bad review, inexplicably calling her nemesis a "vagina." As in "she's such a vagina." Either commit to the "c" word or shut it. Yawn. I'll leave it at that.

What did get my attention was this news story about a 29-year-old guy who tried to register for school as a 12-year-old. The registered sex offender got busted when school authorities noticed, um, he was almost thirty!!! Not only that, but he was living with two older pedophiles who were really pissed off when they discovered the truth about their not-so-young friend: "Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, 'were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy,' Quayle said."

Speaking of child molesters, there was a very sad episode of Frontline last week, dealing with the Boston diocese's molester-priest cover-up.  I'm pretty sure you can still catch it online, if you're interested in that kind of thing.

In more upbeat news, soon-to-be evicted 94-year-old Dominick Diomede won't have to move this month. An anonymous good samaritan is paying the 2k rent this month and he's gotten a bunch of donations to help him eventually make the move. Aww! (Though his landlords still suck ass.) Oh, and speaking of ridiculous real estate, I went to an open house at the Toxic Death Dump! Bwah ha ha! 685K!?!?! Little old men are getting evicted and people without a lick of sense are pouring their almost three-quarters of a million bucks into that?!?!

Circles!!!!!

Okay, now that's more like it! After last week's lame-o premiere, The L Word redeemed itself this week. Mostly due to the appearance of Janina Gavankar, who plays the totally hot ladykiller, "Papi." (Though would it kill the creators to hire an actual Latina?)

Lucky Alice gets to find out first-hand what makes Papi such a hit with the ladies and we, the viewer, are treated to some softcore sex action in the back of a tricked-out stretch limo. Apparently Papi's big trick involves a technique she calls "circles," which left me screeching "CIRCLES!! CIRCLES!!! CIRCLES!!!" at the Large Greek.

Even listening to Jenny drone on about her craft to the Curves magazine reporter, played by Heather Matarazzo, had a payoff when the Weinerdog tore her new book apart, leaving Jenny totally unhinged. Well, even more unhinged than she usually is. Heh.

L is for "Let Down"

For this I waited the better part of a year?!? Last night's L Word season premiere was almost painful to watch. With dialogue and storylines so clunky, it was like something crafted by your uncool dabbler auntie from Witchita.

"I'm really busy—my band just released their first demo on myspace," went one nonsensical line. If the writer was going to reference myspace, perhaps they should've, oh, I don't know, Googled it to find out what it was. But I'm betting there's a chance the writer doesn't know about Google, either.

If you're interested in a full recap, you should read the hilarious Scribe Girrl's take over at AfterEllen.com. For anyone who cares, I'm just going to do a brief rundown of the highlights after the jump.

Sapphic Sunday!

I do my best to not get overly involved in television programs, but I am absofreakinglutely ecstatic that this Sunday marks the return of The L Word! Yay! The BF thought we should go to a bar and watch the premiere, but I shot that down because watching it in a large group of liquored up ladies would mean that I would spend most of my time sssshhhing and not enough time enjoying.

In case you missed it, here's my L Word feature from Go NYC magazine. Welcome back Shane, Marina, Alice, Bette, Max and Jackie Brown—I mean, Kit.

Jenny and Tina, you two can bite me. And not in a hot, lesbo vampire way either.

An Embarrassing Secret

That truly terrible E! show, The Girls Next Door is actually growing on me. I know. But watching Kendra, Holly, and Bridget go about their day can be so fascinating. For one thing, I can't really tell them apart—except for Kendra, because she fancies herself a hip hop mama—even having a custom-made, pink-rhinestone-studded grill installed during one episode! Watching a white girl with quadruple-d cups and shiny pink teeth throw gang signs is truly something special.

Though Hef is ostensibly the girls' "boyfriend," the ladies interactions with him rarely seem anything more prurient than hot young girl meets doddering old granddad. They defer to him, but thankfully, it never gets too sexual. Believe me, if I saw a Hef boner, I'd hurl and probably never turn on my TV again.

And yes, the girls are all shockingly stupid, but they also seem quite earnest, which is rather sweet. Watching Bridget fret and then break down over which way to tilt her butt during a photo shoot really puts all the world's problems in proper perspective. Who can be bothered to worry about a pesky war in Iraq when your butt might be looking less than perky?

A Mid-Hiatus L Word Moment

A young man I used to work with just wrote to alert me to an essay in today's Salon. You'll have to either pay up or watch an ad to read it, so I'll just summarize: The writer—Hillary Frey—was too embarrassed to admit she watched The L Word at first. Then she got sucked in and now the show blows, so she wants it cancelled.

Admittedly, last season blew chunks. I've gone over this a number of times, so I'll spare you, but I think the main problem this writer has is her fear of watching a television show about lesbians. Was she worried that the show would turn her gay? If so, I can assure her that I watched Blowout religiously and still can't cut my bangs in a straight line. Did she fret that finding Shane attractive meant she was secretly harboring thoughts of girl-on-girl action? Oooh, naughty!

The straight gal being oh-so-reluctantly captivated by the lesbionics is one of the most tired and irritating scenarios known to womankind. Thinking another lady is hot does not make you "bicurious" or even a tiny bit interesting. Telling your gay friends that you could totally see yourself making out with another chick is only going to (rightfully) annoy them. So just fucking relax already.

The genius of The L Word is that it's a good soap opera with lots of sex and boobies. And yes, last season sucked, but the answer is not to cancel it, it's to fire all the writers and get new ones (like me!) and kill Jenny (please).

Gooooooooooooaaaallllll!!!!!!

I fully admit that I have yet to catch World Cup Fever. Yes, the players are way more attractive than baseball or football players, and the games are lots more manageable, timewise, than most American sports, but still. It's a sport. A bunch of grown men chasing a little ball around, making more money in a second than I'll make in my entire life.

But my boss loves it. He's British, so it makes sense. As we don't have cable, we watch it on the local Spanish language station. I am growing to love this channel, even though I hate sports and can only understand about five words of Español. ("Español," being one of the five).

Today we watched a beautiful, scantily clad Brazilian dancer get dryhumped by the obese host of "Gordo y Flaco" (guess which one he was), then there was this amazing soap opera called Rebelde where everyone looks like a whore! The young girl students wear slutty Catholic school skirts and seem to always be sucking on lollypops. With their badly bleached fauxhawks and pouty lips, their male counterparts look like they've been plucked from the pages of rentboy.com! And the broads I'm assuming play their mami's are even more whore-a-licious! It looks completely scandalous, but I can't understand a word. Perhaps, like most porn, it's just better that way.