How NOT to serve a steak.

This is a steak on a plate. Note that the edges of the plate dip up slightly. This way, any blood dripping from the meat gets contained onto the plate. This is especially important if you order your steak any less done than well. There will be blood. (And what's the point of eating meat if you char it into oblivion?)

This is a steak on a cutting board. Note that there's nothing to catch the blood or keep it from gushing all over the place. For some dumb reason, serving steaks on big blocks of wood seems to be the latest thing. All the kids are doing it. I don't particularly mind eating off wood—hell, I'll eat off a floor if I'm hungry enough—but last night I did mind.

Because last night I went to one of my favorite restaurants—I don't want to badmouth the joint so I won't name it—and was served an extremely rare steak on a cutting board. Two bites in and I was covered in blood. I looked like Carrie, except it was mostly on my lap. All over my cute H&M red skirt. Because it's lined, I didn't feel the seepage and it was dark, so I didn't notice it until I was pretty much covered. I was PISSED.

So I get up and go to the bathroom to try and rinse it out. I come out to ask for some seltzer and tell the waitress what happened and notice someone else waiting to use the can. I told her to go ahead, that I was covered in blood and just cleaning up. I could wait. She looked alarmed and a more than a little grossed out.

"Oh no! It's from my steak, not my PERIOD!" I yelped, a lot louder than I'd intended. Der.

The waitress got me some seltzer and I was able to get out some of the blood, but the skirt is pretty much shot and I had to walk home looking like I'd just peed myself. The restaurant didn't even offer to buy me a drink (and I wasn't drinking booze so it would've been cheap!) or take anything off the check. I guess I should be happy they didn't charge me for the seltzer.

Am I being whiney thinking they should've done something? I mean, they offered to pay the dry-cleaning, but it was a $15 skirt and it never would've come out anyway.

(Apologies to my vegetarian friends for the bloody grossness—but doesn't this just reinforce your non-carnivore ways?)

Comments

[Daffy]

Uhm..... Was this the same joint where I was given the stink eye? Should've gone with me. I get special treatment there! Haha.

[Travis]

You can dress 'em up, but you can't...
What is it you can't do again?
What a heart-warming story.

[Molly]

After reading this and your Mayor Bloomberg piece (among many, many others), I am now more or less convinced that I like your blog not because of advice giving - that is incidental - but because you're a rockin' comedian! I'd realized you were funny before, of course, but maybe because your brand of humour is often of the wry, sarcastic variety, it took a while for the pieces to fall.