Why is my building shaking?

They haven't started construction on the building right next door, but as I live within what one Curbed commenter brilliantly dubbed "The Williamsburg Quadrangle of Death," there is no shortage of construction projects going on within spitting distance. One of them is shaking the hell out of my building at the moment and the most chilling thing is, I can't even hear what's causing the shaking. Which means it's a good couple blocks away. Can't wait for the piledriver to take up residence 20 feet from my window!

But McCarren Park had the bright lights on again last night, so at least knowing my new millionaire neighbors on Karl Fischer Row are annoyed, provides some solace. Those things are bright and if I'd spent a million bucks on a sheetrock atrocity because it had "city vu" I'd be pissed off to have it suddenly illuminated like an operating room.

I guess I'm in a mood because not only is my building shaking, I have some nasty, weird, creepy crud growing across my forehead. Thanks, eyebrow waxer who I will not name only because you're nice.  Knowing that I have little fungal pustules peppering my skin because my waxer double-dipped skeeves me to no end. For all I know I'm wearing some dirty girl's cooter cooties on my face, because the woman who ripped my eyebrows out couldn't be bothered to use a new stick each time she dipped. Ladies, I think you know what I'm talking about here.  And in case you don't, here's a heart-warming tale of a woman who almost died from a bikini wax gone wrong.

Some good things have happened lately too. I earned out my advance, which basically means from now on, for every book sold, I get about a dollar (minus the 15 cents my agent takes off the top). So if you haven't bought a book already, please buy one. Earning out your advance is a big deal, but in my case somewhat of a lesser deal because the advance itself was so tiny. Regardless, it was nice to get an unexpected $900.00 yesterday. So nice, I bought myself a pretty new dress.

Oh, and I started pilates. Even though Jen Dziura (whose bod tells me she knows what she's talking about) makes fun of pilates, I like it and it's certainly better than my previous fitness regimen, which basically involved changing channels and opening the refrigerator door. I even got the large Greek to join me once a week, which I thought would be funny, but now realize I would've gotten far more laughs out of it if I'd waited until I actually knew what I was doing before inviting him along. I am an oldest child. It's my nature to mock those I love. However, in this case the joke is on me because he's actually pretty good at it.

My friend Mark's friend sent him this story about a woman who is suing an airline because she woke up to some jackass jerking off in her hair, to illustrate how Americans are over-litigious. I would've murdered the guy so I don't think a lawsuit is overreacting at all. I think the developer who's suing the city because a building he owned got landmarked which somehow makes him unable to achieve erection or the idiot who is suing the Hot Lap Dance Club (classy!) because his lapdancer clipped him in the head with her stiletto, are far better examples.

The Spitzer scandal twisted my panties into a knot and reading my friend RKB's devastating piece on discovering her boyfriend was a hooker hound only made me feel worse for Silda (and Rachel). It also showed another side to all those "why is she standing by him?" stories that are out there regarding Silda's loyalty. Rachel had only been dating her guy for a few months and she didn't want to believe it. After two decades and three kids it must be taking even longer to sink in.

Okay, finally, remember Deb Parker? East Village superstar who owned No Tell Motel, Barmacy, Beauty Bar and about a thousand other bars that I drank at too often to recall? She's now a realtor upstate and she's selling this unfuckingbelievably adorable little house that used to be a church! Can someone please tell me how I can afford it? $225k for a restored church doesn't seem like that much, but I've never bought anything before. If anyone has any ideas on where I can find a pot of money, please let me know. Gracias!

Comments

[Renee]

I saw a pot of money sitting on 51st and Lexington. You may be too late though.

This: "dirty girl's cooter cooties on my face" made water come out of my nose. You should have considered that a title for the post. hehe

[beliefunwrought]

One of the local papers in my area recently did a piece they called the "Stella Awards" (named after the woman who sued McDonalds because her coffee was too hot) and the winner was this woman who sued Winnebago because she put her RV in cruise control and went into the back to make a sandwich. This (not surprisingly) led the vehicle to fly of the freeway on which she was driving. She was awarded some ridiculous amount of money for her own stupidity. So the next time you open an owner's manual and there's a note about cruise control not driving the car for you, you know who to thank.

[kc]

always wonderful to read a long post, but ach: shaking building and cooter pustules. this is not good news. could tracey send the chug for a visit? i think that would fix everything. and i would take care of him, so it would be no bother. and if we hightailed it across the border so he could see some of his mexican cousins...

i digress. i read RKB's piece. yes, devastating indeed. so sorry, RKB. that's horrible.

so glad you love pilates, and that LG goes too!

i love my dermatologist if you need a reference.

[Scarlett]

Think of it this way, if you COULD afford the restored church, you'd have to live in a town named Coxsackie. Pretty gross.

[Tracey]

I have a better Idea you guys come down here, the Chug can make it all better! He isn't crossing any state or country lines anytime soon!

[The Rev]

I just read that if the building didn't shake then our foundation would be absorbing the vibrations and that would be even worse but I'm not sold on this yet.