The good news: people who ordered my book are receiving them. I don't know if they're on store shelves yet, but Amazon has been delivering them.
The bad news: certain people weren't supposed to read my book, but are reading it anyway!
I have a wonderful friend named Sylvia. Sylvia is in her eighties and our friendship is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. She's funny, smart, and amazing in pretty much any way you could ever imagine. I respect her immensely and would do anything for her. When she heard I was writing a book, she was very excited for me. I told her I'd rather she didn't read it. She poo-pooed the idea and I forgot all about it.
So yesterday we were chatting and she mentioned being at the doctor. "The nurse asked me what I was reading, so I showed her your book," she cackled.
Er, what? "Close the book! Step away from the book!" I yelped. Oh my god. See, there are a lot of things in there that I'd rather she didn't know about. Like the guy who shat himself in my bed. Or the support-hose-wearing bisexual with the fire-hydrant-sized wiener. Or the dozens of other revolting, humiliating experiences I experienced during my last slutty phase. And now Sylvia was reading about them on the bus ride crosstown to the doctor! Aaaargh!!!!
I begged her to quit reading, but she just laughed. "Don't try to protect ME, young lady," she chuckled.
"Protect YOU!?! I'm worried about ME!!! You can certainly handle it, I'm just really embarrassed! No, horrified!" I practically shrieked.
She kept laughing. "You know, when we were young, we had to read Henry Miller under the blankets. You make Henry Miller* look like a wimp."
Christ on a crutch. I don't think my face could've turned a brighter shade of crimson.
*For the record, I know I'm no Henry Miller, so save the snarky comments, por favor.
Oh, the mortification.
It might make you feel better to know that when my parents first started reading my blog (in its filthier state), my dad also likened me to Henry Miller, though he said, "You're like Henry Miller - only stupid!" Someday that will be a book jacket blurb.
Congrats on the book - I put in a review copy request with your publisher!
Posted by: Audacia Ray | January 04, 2008 at 02:51 PM
Your story in the book is really funny. Thanks for contributing!
Posted by: Judy McMortified | January 04, 2008 at 04:17 PM
it's the second time i heard the sylvia story, and it still made me laugh out loud. not a pretty sound, considering i'm a snot factory right now.
Posted by: kate | January 04, 2008 at 04:21 PM
We really need to use "Makes Henry Miller look like a wimp" in the book's publicity.
Posted by: ks | January 04, 2008 at 06:49 PM
You need to be much poorer, drunker, more depressed and more spongelike if you want to write like Miller. Wait, poverty leads to depression which leads to drinking which leads to sponging off people. I love Miller. He makes me look forward to penury.
Posted by: Paul | January 08, 2008 at 12:56 PM
and you should be embarrassed 'ho!!
WE'VE ALL HAD TO LIVE THROUGH IT!!! (VIA YOU)
Posted by: soooz | January 09, 2008 at 03:33 PM