All you L Word Haters—I'm talking to you Val and Ivan—you're just going to have to go read Gawker or some shit, because there has been a very troubling issue with the L Word this season and I need to address it.
Of course I'm speaking of the extreme lack of sex scenes. I'm not even going to address the Jenny Problem because this is more pressing: this show used to be a veritable boobie fest. What happened? Sure, last night we got to see Shane's titties again, but really, I've seen better on a 12-year-old boy. And, BTW, I generally loathe the word "titties," but it seems to fit what Shane's packing.
True, Kristanna Loken's set was impressive, but they were also preceded by an excruciating gay awareness lecture at Shay's school. That the stupid tolerance storyline took about about ten times as long as the Shane/Loken tryst did shows what's wrong with this show this season—they don't know who their audience is.
Hello? Anyone subscribing to Showtime for one reason and one reason only, and that's to see the L Word, is at least lesbian-friendly! (Or a horny straight guy, but whatever.) We don't need to hear about how bad it is that little kids call each other "gay" in the schoolyard! We know it's wrong and guess what—we're not the ones using it as an insult! Throw that scene into Everwood or Everybody Loves Raymond. You're preaching to the choir here!
The only funny thing to come out of that tedious scene was when Shay announced that his sister was gay only to have Shane follow that up with the ten-times-more-shocking revelation that she was a hairdresser. Stylist, cure thyself!
Also, Alice is the cutest girl on the show (sorry Helena, you're close, but no cigar) and after Dana's tragic demise (damn you, Chaiken!), she needs a little fun. A little light. A little folly. The Phyllis storyline started off funny, though unlikely, but now she's all tied up with Tasha, who, while also quite cute, is obviously suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know this because of the ridiculous dream sequence we the viewers suffered through last night. Note to the writers—we get it. So instead of fun naked frolicking, Alice has panic attacks and violent hallucinations to look forward to. Great. I'm also betting a lot of heavy-handed war talk will also follow. Sigh.
Can we just not? I watch CNN. I read the paper. I know what's going on in the world and I watch shows like the L Word for escape from all that. So Ilene, if you're listening, my friend Elisabeth and I both have great story ideas. And I don't know about her, but I work cheap.
"MY MOM'S NOT GAY!!" I think that kid is played by Ryder Robinson. Toxic little ewok. And the "concerned parents" at Shay's school were unbearable. Shane's heartfelt speech about how taking care of Shay has given her life meaning made me throw up a little.
But excuse me, Judes. Aren't we forgetting the strip gin rummy scene? Those two girls were pretty, even though Helena wouldn't show her itty bitty titties. And I believe there was a nip slip when Marlee and Jennifer Bealls were rolling around. Not that anyone cared.
Shane without her clothes looks like a lizard. I likeeee!!!
Posted by: Jules | February 19, 2007 at 12:16 PM
You're right--I forgot to mention the gin-rummy nip action. It was just so unerotic, I guess I blocked it. And I believe Ms. Beals has a no-boobies clause, so while we did get close, the nips were always covered. I wonder if she--like I've heard is the case with Sarah Jessica Parker--has inverted nipples. Hmm. Otherwise, I don't get why she doesn't put them out there. I liked the matching tank tops.
I think Shane's super sappy speech made me not hot for her. Gross.
Posted by: Judy McBoobie | February 19, 2007 at 12:41 PM
the anorexic nakedness in the rummy scene was a bit depressing, though. that's why you blocked it, judes.
Posted by: rose | February 19, 2007 at 04:05 PM
Beals' boobs looked a tad droopy to me. Thus spared.
Posted by: a.murkin | February 19, 2007 at 10:51 PM
the only reason why i still watch is the hope that at some point we might actually get to see some sex. thank god i d***load episodes, so i can fast forward to the semi-interesting parts (truth be told, nothing interesting is going on this season!!) of episodes :P
Posted by: ana. | February 20, 2007 at 09:30 AM
The Beals' boobs actually look like the best on the show. In fact let's be happy to be spared Pam Grier's boobs.
Posted by: rose | February 20, 2007 at 10:48 AM
Bette has a banging bustline! You're nuts, Murkin! Either that or you've been looking at too much porn--unless they're pumped full of silicone, normal c-cups do not stand at attention while the owner is laying down.
Posted by: Judy McBoobie | February 20, 2007 at 11:23 AM
It's pretty obvious Jennifer Beals has a nip clause in her contract because (much to my dismay) we've never gotten even close to seeing the Bealsaboobs—which must be something because Bette sure gets action, from horny carpenters to horny TAs. The Alice-Tasha storyline is completely far-fetched, considering the taste in women Alice has demonstrated in past seasons, but then far-fetchedness has never been a problem for the Chaiken. Actually, I kinda like that in her.
Posted by: Elisabeth | March 07, 2007 at 05:39 PM