Ex-Actly

It's inevitable that you—well, I—look like crap whenever I run into an ex. A friend of mine had this happen so many times that she's trained herself to never leave the house without a quick coat of mascara and smear of lipstick. See, my friend learns from her humiliations. Not me.

So the other day I'm coming home from the office, all pale and puffy-eyed, toting a bag of cheap-as-shit wine from Trader Joe's. No makeup (naturally), and I believe I was wearing a sweatpant-type bottom. My chin was festooned with a bright red flaky patch of nastiness. The hair was greasy, stringy, and matted up against my head. But really, what did I care? I just wanted to crawl home. So I'm standing there reading my book, when I feel someone staring at me. Uh oh. This is never a good feeling because if it had been a friend, they would've just walked over and said hi. I turn my pasty, somewhat smelly, head to the left and see that yep, it's that Lithuanian sculptor who broke my heart a bunch of years ago. We don't hate each other or anything, but he's a freakshow and would rather stare me down like a maniac than say hello.

I was actually relieved because the only thing worse than running into an ex when you look like crap, is getting stuck having a forced conversation with an ex when you look like crap. Anyway, seeing him sucked what little wind was left in my sails. I slunk down and pulled my book closer to my face.

Shit. As my eyeballs hit the page, I realized I was in the middle of Virginia Vitzhum's very funny and wise treatise on online dating, I Love You, Let's Meet. So yes, I found the one thing worse than having a forced conversation with an ex when you look like crap; which is getting busted reading a book on online dating by an ex while you look like crap.

And it's not like shrieking "It's RESEARCH, okay?!? I have a BOYFRIEND!!!!!" across the car would've made things better.

Though I did briefly consider that option.

Comments

[rose]

I don't think the Lithuanian registered your reading material. He was probably thinking of his yellow peril, no doubt.

[Jules]

Was the truss in evidence? And Judes, please. Only a girl in a serious relationship would venture out looking like that. Sheesh. Even Lithuanians know that much.

[sue]

How can the Lithuanian say hello when he walks around with his head up his ass??

[truthseeker]

you worry too much. screw him.

[Judy McHaHa]

Jules, you have the Lithuanians confused--and it was support hose, not a truss!

[hiding guilt trips in rants]

Judes, you should be worrying about your BOOK! Not about the Lith-o-loonian. You're doing that psychomicalogical thing where you worry like hell over stupid shit rather than the real important stuff, like finishing the book...and returning my phone calls...
And another thing, wear your bag-lady look with PRIDE! If you're out'n'about, strutting your stuff uber-crazy-style, if someone looks at you even slightly cross-eyed, just think to yourself, "You best not be staring, or I will knock you down, take your money, go buy some Lee Press-On Nails, and then come back and find you and put out your eyes with my new Lee Press On Nails!"
When I'm on the subway, that's what I'm always thinking--and it works!

[osisbs]

Don't worry how you looked, because he spent the rest of the day thinking about why his current woman takes 2 hours to get ready when you were always ready for fun. No matter how long it's been for me I always remember the good times with a woman and never the bad. He's focusing on all the good you had together and wasn't necessarily checking you out as a new conquest.
The grass is always greener for men, even in sweat pants.