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the new column is exxxcellent.


I sent you an email.


I went out with a fellow (friend of a friend of a friend) once for drinks. The official purpose of the meeting was to discuss his theatre troupe, but he was doing his best to charm me. You're so smart, you're so funny. We should do this, we should do that, we should go to a Yankee game, my female roommate and I go all the time because we have season tickets. I leave tickled pink.

We're talking online the next day and I say, so, what do your roommates do? He said, well, uh, technically, I have only one roommate. Oh, I say? Yea, I live with my FIANCE and her brother.



Apparently, I have the rare power of attracting strange gifts on first (and what turn out to be last) dates. I once went out with a fireman who brought me a rose (nice) and a demon Kokapeli candle holder that was over 2 1/2 feet tall. All this after being 45 minutes late. I thanked him for the flower and promptly put the candle holder on the floor so no one else in the restaurant could see it. (I say "demon" because it brought my nothing but grief until I got it out of my house.) Later, he suggested he come over and "check the batteries in my smoke detector."

The worst first date gifts were from a guy I met for brunch who decided to brake the mold of dates by bringing me two books: The Good Orgasm Guide (first and last date, mind you) and a connect the dots book of PORN. I kid you not. (All this was made even worse due to a not so small outbreak on his mouth which led to the nickname "Captain Coldsore.")


I went out with some guy, seemed nice, softspoken... even held a door open (which, honestly, always freaks me out, but why complain about a nice gesture - Im just a freak and things weird me out).

We walk home (he actually lived on the same street). I kissed him goodnight in front of my apartment. Well, more like a kiss that turned into a short make-out (he was cute).... I say "I should go in, it's late." He says, "how about saying Hi" - kinda odd look on his face. He looks down, I look down.

There it was. It was just out there, taking a breather, saying "hi".

I still don't know what to say about it. Just why? I don't get it. I just kissed him, no boob, no grinding. I mean, no invitation upstairs. He had just whipped it out. I was so shocked also because he was so mild mannered... just ... why.

Dating just exhausts me.


after one bf dumped me, he asked if he could have my sister's number. AND if i would help him pick out a vibrator for the girl he'd been screwing behind my back. man, i sure knew how to pick 'em back in the day. and yes, you can quote me on this.


there was this guy who wored atthe same music store that i did. i was a clerk (world music, classical) and he was a security guard. he was actually pretty cute, and only a few years older than me, but he had an incredibly intense energy-always had an opioion about everything, had to make every comment into some sort of sexual thing. still, he could be sweet and clearly liked me, so i fibally agreed to go on a date with him. and on that date, after a little small talk and gossip about work, he told me about the 2 people he had killed. one was someone who was trying to mug him-i forgot to mention that he was a huge karate nerd, very into phusical fitness, swing dancing, kickboxing. he was being mugged by someoen with a knife, struggled with them, and ended up stabbing them in the neck. the second time was as a guard at out store, maybe a year before i started working there. there was this alkie homeless guy who would come in and shoplift, but they had never been able to catch him. so this one time, my date actuall sees him pocket a dvd, and chases him out of the store. the guy apparently hides behind a dumpster with a brick, laying in wait for my freind, and bashes him in the face. i also forgot to mention that my date was cute in a mickey rourke kinda way-scars, crooked nose. he had been getting beaten up since he was a kid, and i guess had taken worse than a brick to a face, and proceeded to kick the shit out of the guy. perhaps weakend by his various drug and booze related heath problems, the shoplifter actually died.

first date! killed 2 people!

the night ened shortly after, he walked me back home like a total gentleman, and we proceeded to have several akward months working together until i left that job.


Oh my god, I just found that connect the dots book of porn, it's called "Naughty Dots." About half of the "drawings" are completed, and it's pretty disturbing. I guess I had to keep it (even after 3 years) for a good laugh.

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