Spreading the Hate

I saw this list of 21 Hateable Things on the Wow Report and thought I'd add to it. Please, feel free to join in.

I hate. . .

• People who change their baby's diapers in public. Yes, recovering crackhead in the doctor's waiting room yesterday, I'm talking to you. That's super that you're three-years sober, but I've been in that bathroom, and it's quite spacious and there's plenty of room for diaper-hanging in there. Yet you couldn't be bothered. And your kid wasn't even a baby—she looked about four to me. Even better was  when you tossed the stinky thing in the garbage can right next to me. If you weren't all scarred up and scary looking and I weren't such a wimp, you can bet I would've given you what for.
• When I'm too wussy to scream at people who deserve to be screamed at. (See also: the perfect comeback, delivered to my brain twelve hours too late.)
• Teenagers
• Pierced bellybuttons and/or eyebrows. Two body parts definitely not meant to be pierced.
• The smell of rotting cabbage.
• The L train. (Or, the smell of rotting hipsters.)
• Gwyneth Paltrow, Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton and Clare Danes.
• Those boots that end mid-calf.
• Cartoons. No, I don't remember that episode of The Simpsons.
• Science Fiction. Yes, all of it.
• When the gyno slides a finger up your pooper with no warning.
• Landlords
• Howard Stern and David Letterman—two incredibly wealthy, successful guys who do nothing but complain. Whiners can be amusing, but multimillionaires kvetching is just irritating.
• Royal Oak
• Earthtones; brown, tan, rust, I loathe you all.
• The president's omnipresent, frat-boy smirk. (Everything else about him too, but that's what's sticking in my craw today.) When I used to smirk like that, my mom would offer to smack it right offa me. That's what I'd like to do to him.
• Baby talk, uptalk, and Snooptalk
• The way my first dose of Lexapro is making me feel—I'm tired, my mind is racing, I'm nauseous, I'm hungry, I'm hyper, I'm dizzy!
• Prog rock
• The phrase "not so much."
• Televised football, golf, and auto racing.
• Waking up to the sound of my cat puking her lungs out. Mabes!
• Dogs in purses.
• Simon Cowell's manmary display at the Emmy Awards. (Button that shit up!)
• Fish (the eating variety, exception: tuna salad from Eisenbergs)
• Stuffed animals; fuzzy germcatchers, all.
• Look at that—the Lexapro's working! I can't think of anything else!

Now it's your turn.

Comments

[MissPinkKate]

I hate when people let their little boys PEE in public. I've seen this more than once- a woman with a child pulled over on the side of the sidewalk, letting the kid PEE on the sidewalk. What the hell????

[rose]

i also hate the phrase "no worries." and i hate the verb on bedford and the smell of cabbage that is now inside the very fabric of my couch

[kc]

i'll second rose's "no worries" and add that i loathe "it's all good."

i hate nightmares about children locked up in houses who are forced to become cannibals. (yeah. and i'm not even on any drugs!)

-poo on sidewalks. who do you think inevitably steps in it?

-being leered at by gross men when my well-clothed person could in no way be considered "provocative."

-living below frat guys and sorority girls. their latest hijinks? leaving the water running for 20-some hours. if i get home and our apt. is flooding...

-food allergies

-the never-ending question, "what do you eat?"

-HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES

i was just going to say, "i'm sure the train ride home will bring more to mind," but hey!

-riding the train next to someone who's not brushed his teeth yet this year

-riding the train next to someone whose earphones are a formality

-almost missing my stop because the bastards getting on won't let the people off!

oh, can't wait for the commute home.

[jules]

Tourists in fanny packs shuffling five across the sidewalk.

People who whine about "the media." That includes you, Janeanne Garofalo.

Art openings.

The widdle round-toe pump. Especially as worn by Courtney Love.

The Olsen twins, argghhh!

People who smugly announce, "I don't watch TV."

People who want to eat outside when it's 100 degrees in direct sunlight.

Woman with children who refer to themselves as "Mommy." Corrollary: references in catalogs to "baby." Not the baby or your baby. Just baby.

Every single aspect of commercial air travel.

[Release the 12 Monkeys Disease NOW!!!!!!]

I'm the glowing Angel of Light, and there is only love in my heart for all of humankind and its marvellous and soul-stirring works. Up with people! Yeah and yay!

Oh wow, I just reread the above and the taste of vomit appeared in my mouth...
You know that if 99 percent of the world were killed off, that would still leave about 65 million people--and that's still TOO MANY!
BTW, the WOW report was wrong for hating guns. Guns are good: they kill people.

[markInanUndisclosedRemoteLocation]

ah Judy -

now I know why you were the first person in high school that I considered friend-worthy. We hate the same things!
except for fish. i eat a lot of fish. all kinds of fish. several times a week. my body throbs with mercury.

i also changed a diaper (so full of poop you would not believe) on a chair in a restaurant yesterday. but it was in a shack disguised as a restaurant in the middle of bumble fuck Republican-ridden Florida. Everyone had missing teeth and looked mysteriously related. So I took pride in my diaper change.
I'm here in the most hateful state visiting in-laws.
so don't hate me.

[notavegetarian]

I hate people who only eat soy and tofu.

[markInanUndisclosedRemoteLocation]

my mother, in an effort to stop the spread of hate -
used to make my sisters and I go around the dinner table and say something nice about someone else at the table. don't you hate that?

[mark]

salmonella aside, sometimes newborn poop has an incredible yeasty smell to it - in a good way.
this morning the image of a bottle of maple syrup popped up in my head because the smell made me think of a hot steamy stack of waffles.

i'm hungry.

[Judy]

Parents who discuss the consistency and scent of their children's poop! Mark, YUCK!!!!!

[jeta]

Judy, what's a manmary, anyways?

[Maria]

Once a fan always a fan. I live for this, ha ha. My two cents.

Aggressive panhandlers who beg for a smile if I'm not parting with dough.

People who say MY BAD. Grrrr.

People whose breath reeks although it's 7:30 am.

People who eat their breakfast next to me on subway, sit on my thigh or blast their shitty music.

Men who are obsessed with dating me because I'm "OLDER" *roar*.

Kids who curse and parents who co-sign this.

Anything spicy.

Blah blah blah I may very well be PMSng.

[mark]

i know Judy. sorry. i don't share this with anyone but you. i think i need to come to NY so you can slap me around a little and knock some sense into me.
i really hate children. you should see me at school events. i'm a walking charade. (pronounce charade with a Connecticut accent for the full effect).

[Maria]

OK and I hate her the most:

http://jacquelinepassey.blogs.com/blog/2006/08/dating_tip_qual.html

[The Heater is a lonely Hater]

that jacqueline blog is a joke, right? Please?

[Maria]

No Heater -- I so want to choke the breath out of her. Ha!

[m]

i never discussed consistency - just the sweet yeasty waffle batter-like smell.

i hate when people at work call me "dude", in an effort to connect with me and it's obvious i don't like working with them.

[Paul]

Didn't Reese Witherspoon play Jacqueline Passey in "American Psycho"? I swear it's her!