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Cap'n Jon

i was once walking wearing my dress blue Marine Corps uniform (with splended white hat - or as hat's are known in military circles, a white cover) when i felt a splat on my cover.... i took it off to look, and right on the top was a giant, smeared blue and black bird poopie... the bird must've been eating blackberries... worst part is, the dress uniform cover cost over a hundred bucks.... ack!


My cousin Dawn was sitting on a bench at the beach, leaned back to get some sun on her face while chatting- and a bird pooped in her mouth. Feel lucky.


OMG - yeah. I was at a really fancy private beach on the Vineyard lying on my back when a seagull pooped right in my mouth.

It was like a warm, sandy, fish-flavored mud-pie, and it filled up my whole mouth. I sat up and screamed, which of course made every snooty rich person on the beath totally stare at me. My then-husband was horrified, and then he started laughing, so I chased him around the beach trying to make him kiss me, with about a pound of gritty, shitty, stinking seagull shit streaming out of my mouth and down the front of me.

I still can't enjoy certain shellfish.


That's what I was waiting for!!!!! Makes the tiny turd on my titty pale in comparison!!! Thank you, Jules!


After an overnight train ride from Rome to Venice, during which I was woken every hour by screaming conductors and slept in between two pull-together benches with a 3 inch gap where the lower back would sit while fending off dreams of gypsies, I was confronted by a crab-smelling city that made me think of anything but romance.

While walking the back-streets trying to lose my escorts on a cold summer morning, frantically searching for coffee in a city that sleeps until noon, a pigeon squeezed off a spark right down the front of my face, resting an unsavory looking gooey pellet jauntily on the edge of my glasses, where it hung suspended long enough for me to get a good look at it, before falling with much gusto (damn! you bet!) onto my bottom lip.

Tasty, tasty Venice... Bridge of Sighs my ass...


Congratulations, Rich! You are commenter #666, on 6/6/06! I am soooo winning the mega millions tonite!!!!


Wow... talk about preordained from birth...

I've finally hit my stride, it seems...

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