The residents of second-floor apartment at 604 Union Avenue should be very happy that Mayor Bloomberg has kept up his vigilant anti-gun stance. Because theoretically, if a certain resident of my apartment were in possession of a firearm at this moment in time, she might be tempted to use it. Because it's not bad enough that these trustafarian slacker asswipes have ear-splittingly loud parties starting at 1 AM during the week, now they're out on their terrace (How come I don't have a fucking terrace?!) having a hippie jamboree! Do I really need to be subjected to three fugly shirtless dudes playing HARMONICA and bad guitar on a Thursday afternoon? NO!
Save your corny-ass lyrics for the shaggy-haired skinny bitches on Bedford Avenue, you wastrels. You're probably all sanctimonious vegetarians, yet see no conflict snarfing buckets of cocaine each night at the Royal Oak. OH, and you, patrons of the dread Royal Oak, you'd also be dead if I had a gun (and wasn't deathly afraid of becoming someone's prison bitch). Especially the drunken asshole who stood outside my window at three this morning "threatening" to cut his friends "like a razor on a fresh tomato." What kind of loser-ass threat is that? "Oh, I'm going to grate you like a delicious slab of parmigiano reggiano!" Ooh! The terror!
BB guns work just as good as real guns in some cases (like this one), just don't stick the barrel out the window. Just quietly open your window, crouch down low, aim...and open fire. (No cheering when you finally get one of the trustafarians, no matter how pleased you are to here them yelp.)
And save those used condoms--they make excellent water balloons for the losers making moronic threats below your window.
--a message from the Social Engineering Division of MARZ Inc.
Posted by: I'm not a marksman, I'm a sniper Ivan | April 27, 2006 at 05:17 PM
i still don't know how come i don't hear these people across the street.
but the dudes i can hear loud and clear outside my apartment windows are the 40 year old washed up "artist" dude who took up skateboarding at the ripe old age of 39. now that's hot.
Posted by: rose | April 27, 2006 at 09:23 PM
OMG for some reason trapped in self importance I think it's only me who suffers. The bitch with concrete blocks attached to her feet who lives upstairs and doesn't ever take her shoes off and walks across the parquet floors after I'm sure doing blow all night must be terminated. Phew! OK I feel much better. Obviously the lite jazz my son and I have to sleep with isn't helping. Sorry. Oh, TGIF.
Posted by: Maria | April 28, 2006 at 10:47 AM