Urgh. Since The Sopranos started, followed by Big Love, I've had to push my L Word viewing back til 11:00 PM. Granny likes to get an early night, but in order to keep the peace, I stick to the three-hour plan. I'll just do a round-up of all three for those of you who don't have the 50 billion cable stations that come part and parcel when you move a man into your life.
The Sopranos: Tony got shot, so this week we were forced to sit through an actory-episode highlighting James Gandolfini's "chops." Snore. We're talking near-death hallucinations, what-would-my-life-be-like-if scenarios; the whole cheesball nine. I was so impatient waiting for the ladies that I peeled all the frosting off a cupcake and ate it even though I wasn't hungry. Then I got all hyper and stomach-achey.
Big Love: I'm calling this one Big Bore. Bruce Dern and Harry Dean Stanton playing characters we've seen them play a thousand times before, and though Bill Paxton plays a good everyman, an everyman character is not especially compelling (even if he does have three wives). I just don't care about anyone on this show. Hearing the Large Lazy Greek chuckle with appreciation as Bill Paxton gets waited on hand and foot by his bevy o' wives didn't help my mood.
And then—finally—tick-tock, it's boobie o'clock—
L Word: Three hours of television in a row is two hours too long. This week, Dead Dana's creepy parents ignore her wishes and hold a big ugly Catholic ceremony, shunting her sapphic sisters off to the back of the church. My girl Alice yells a loud "she was gay" at the lame-o priest, cementing my love for her. If that weren't enough, Alice also surreptitiously scoops up a bunch of Dana's ashes and carries them out in—what else—a "Planet" carryout cup! The ladies hold their own memorial for Dana, which would've been okay except Jenny spoke and reminded us via flashback that Dana had once been so drunk she'd actually attempted relations with her. I'd blocked that one. There is not enough booze in the world. . .
Anyway, Tina continues to make boring simpering breeder looove with her wussy pussy man while Bette schemes to get sole custody of Baby Angelica, citing some lofty reason like only she knows what it's like to be bi-racial. Snort. Yeah, right! Why not just say she wants sole custody because her girlfriend is an annoying pig and Baby Angelica would be better off with a bitter hottie such as herself? If I were the judge, I'd award Bette custody in a heartbeat just to watch Tina cry and carry on.
Max, wearing his new facial hair, went back to a place where he'd applied for a job as a girl and had been turned down. But this time, as a boy, he promptly got the job because nobody remembered him from two weeks prior (presumably because of the puberty 'stache gracing his upper lip). Jenny got all pouty because instead of sticking it to the man (so she could write a magazine article about the company's sexist hiring practices), Max is going to keep the job. I have not a doubt in the world that Jenny will ruin this for him. Hopefully he'll return the favor by murdering Jenny. Max, you are my only hope. Let's make the fourth season, a Jenny-Free Zone, shall we?
Elsewhere, Shane proposed to Carmen, who eventually said yes. I'm not giving this much play because much like Helena, Shane seems to be undergoing a personality transplant. Our formerly tough girl is all weepy because Carmen's central-casting Mexican familia has rejected the pair for their lesbo ways. They're set to get married next week (hopefully Shane will lose the hideous extensions for the occasion), but I predict disaster. I'm betting she either invites Sherry Jaffe to be her maid of honor or gets caught buggering one of the members of Betty with a strap-on.
Speaking of Betty. Could we please do something about the soundtrack? Luckily, this week was a somber episode so they didn't torture us with the usual extremely annoying opening song, but they made up for it with the rest of the show. I was ready to tear my own ears off by the closing credits.
Next week is the season finale and I am of three minds about it:
* I am excited because it looks like an action-packed episode. Catfight!
* I am sad because I'll have to wait however-long for the next season.
* And finally, I am a little relieved because I think I'm getting a little weird(er). Perhaps while the show is on hiatus I'll get myself a life.
Step back, lady! Bill Paxton is the patron saint of the Everyman! He *deserves* to be waited on hand and foot by a trio of hotness!
And as for "Bruce Dern and Harry Dean Stanton playing characters we've seen them play a thousand times before"--well, why do you think I love them? Criminey! A show with Bill Paxton, Bruce Dern and Harry Dean Stanton? This is B-movie heaven! I'm praying for guest appearances by Yaphet Kotto, William Smith (http://imdb.com/name/nm0810342/), Ernest Borgnine, David Carradine and Mary Woronov!
You can, however, slam the Sopranos as much as you want. I have no vested interests there.
Posted by: Ivan | March 20, 2006 at 10:57 AM
Re: Sopranos. Isn't AJ a little old for the sulky adolescent thing? And that haircut he has looks much better on me, FYI.
And was that bit of snoozy ER handholding by Meadow and Christopher a sly-yet-obvious foreshadowing of an upcoming plot development the world would be better without?
Posted by: jules | March 20, 2006 at 06:21 PM