Bitch, Prepare to Get your Ass Beat!

It's official, Ms. Kimora Lee Simmons and rap impresario Russell Simmons have split. Not shockingly, Russell has already found a new lady, who happens to be a 23-year-old model he met in yoga class. Vomit. It is unclear whether Kimora lived up to her promise to "beat a bitch's ass" when she found out the child was banging her man. One can only hope.

Now obviously, celebrity breakups are fairly inevitable. This one is just irritating because of Russell's bullshit obsession with yoga. Spare me.

No doubt Kimora is completely batshit nutso, but Russell is just as equally full of shit. Those crunchy yoga dudes are the absolute worst. I know his type, don't you? They wear those nasty loose-fitting yoga pants that highlight their weiners in a most unflattering manner and pretend to be all ohm-shanti and shit, when the truth is, they're just staring at asses. If you've ever been to a yoga class you'll know I speak the truth.

Coincidence or no that Simmons met his latest piece at Jivamukti. I'm sorry, Russell, but you're a gazillionaire, if you were truly interested in enlightenment and not just on a quest for limber cooter, you would've hired yourself an on-staff yogi and skipped the classes filled with supermodels twisting themselves into pretzels.

Comments

[rose]

cooter has always been an odd term to me. cootcher (spelling?) also odd. i am never really sure what to call it. to give it a nickname sounds odd. but to call it what it is is also odd.
i like pomegranite soup bowl, though. that's a good one, though kind of long.

[Ivan]

I blame the 12-Steps for the increase in Yogaists--I remember how around 1993-1994, practically everybody in the program I was in started stretching, yoga'ing, etc., with a fanaticism only people in recovery can muster.

Of course, there were those who were doing to fill the hole in their lives, others were doing it for health reasons and then a lot of guys got into it for the pussy.

Then yoga filtered into the mainstream somehow (rock stars and supermodels in recovery spreading the word?), and now we have the status symbol yoga mat slung over many a smug shoulder.

[kc]

i don't have a high opinion of jivamukti. in my opinion, their methods are far too imprecise. if you're interested in yoga, it's best to go the iyengar route, or learn through people who are informed by or have trained in iyengar (the founder of Om Yoga is such a person, and employs many such people as teachers). you learn how not to hurt yourself! jivamukti gives me the willies.

and yes, judy, you are 100% right about yoga dudes. i only feel comfortable in classes with guys if i'm pretty damn sure they're gay. i don't go to yoga to get picked up by dumbasses who aren't clever enough to think of an original way to pick up chicks. and i wind up shooting death-ray glares at them throughout class and then fall out of tree pose because my crankiness makes me all imbalanced and stuff.