Bad Advice

Heh.

Michael Malice just started a hilarious new site called Worst Email Ever and yours truly has something up on it. You might know Malice from the town named after him (sorry, bad joke, no caffeine yet), or the Harvey Pekar biography or maybe Overheard in New York.

Here's a piece from my worst email:

I am on a journey of erotic exploration.  I am fascinated by female ejaculation. I don’t much like the sound of that word and wish there were an alternative. Another, “squirting”, is even worse.

And there's more. Oh Lord, there's more. . . .

Thank you!

One of my fave blogs, Gowanus Lounge gave me a really nice shout-out this week. But even if they hadn't, I would've guest-posted over there today, while Bob takes a break and enjoys his honeymoon. Check it out.

In other self-promotion news, check out my column in the Seattle Weekly! Not so much to read what I wrote (though it's brilliant and insightful as usual), but to gaze at the new illustration they commissioned. Damn, I wish I were that skinny! I do have the same glasses, though my eye doctor told me I don't have to wear them anymore. Whose eyesight gets better with age? Mine, apparently. I also have the red shoes and black hair. Sadly, that's where the resemblance ends.

Also, if you are an actor, bartender, comedian, politician, hedge-fund manager, or circus clown, please contact me. I need to know how not to date you. For real.

A Few of my Favorite Things

It seems that everyone but me is on vacation today. That's okay, I need the dough. Predictably, there's not a whole lot for me to do, so I've been wasting time on the clock. As opposed to most of my time-wasting, which goes on unpaid.

This is my favorite website of the year. I've never had a maternal urge as far as human babies go, but I sure do love me some kitties and bunnies! And puppies too!

As I work part-time in production for a graphic designer, this site cracks me up. A lot of it will be indecipherable to those who don't know CMYK from See-You-Later, but for those of us who play with Quark all day, it'll give you a laugh.

I have a bad habit of reading books that I know I will hate. I know. It's a sickness. Unfortunately, this also carries over to me wasting time reading either supremely irritating and/or moronic blogs. Two of my current faves are Mimi in New York and Stephanie Klein's Greek Tragedy.

The first is written by a whiney Brit stripper who is happy to live in New York City because there aren't many fat people here, though this is somewhat tempered by the fact that there are a lot of Jews.  And Mimi doesn't like the Jews. She doesn't get "their" humor. (Though I think she likes Jews more than she likes fat people—though I'd imagine that chubby Jews really get her knickers in a knot.) The fact that she can't find any work that doesn't involve shaking her naked ass also has her pissed off because she considers herself both hilarious and brilliant. I'll leave that up to you to decide.

The second is the product of a whiney American who just got a gazillion-dollar book deal, which makes her whining even more inexplicable. At least Mimi is broke. Speaking of which, Mimi appears to hate Stephanie Klein, which I guess makes sense as Klein is a former fatty and I suspect one of the chosen peeps. (Though I could be wrong on that count.) Klein plays at being a pottymouth, but won't spell the word "fuck" correctly, instead choosing some retarded misspelling like "fcuk." Both blogs are equally irritating and yet I tune in daily because I am that much of a glutton for punishment.

Where Dumbasses Go To Meet

Finally, a message board that makes my beloved "missed connections" site seem intellectually stimulating.When they're not busy snorting coke at Royal Oak or sipping Chai lattes at the smelly coffee shop down the street, the unwashed trustafarians who have made Williamsburg unlivable are apparently playing the online mating game here. With threads like "would u have a problem fucking someone w/the same first name as a member of your immediate family?" it's great for those low self-esteem days. Read it and feel really, really wicked smart. (And old.)