Bad Advice

I Hate Mother's Day

I think probably everyone with a dead mom hates mother's day. And yet from mid-April until May 11, not a day goes by without some idiotic e-mother's day offer clogging up my inbox.

Though Red Envelope is the most persistent (I'll bet free shipping isn't offered to my mom's location), Amazon's offer has to be the oddest. Why on earth is the "CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit" part of their mother's-day sale? I don't have any babies, but if I went to the trouble of squeezing one out, I'd be pretty PO'ed if I unwrapped a cat toilet training kit on my special day.

Also, though I don't have a mommy (feel sorry for me—wah!), I did write a feature on mother's day getaways for ForbesTraveler.com. Though it has nothing to do with moms, my new Seattle Weekly column is also online.

Problem Solved!!!

Won't I just be the belle of the Bingo Ball in this sharp little number!?! Who knew there would be a bounty of bingo-themed outfits floating around cyberspace. My man—who always likes to have his lady dressed up all snazzy like—found this for me.

A Vision of Loveliness

I think I found my dress for gay bingo. No, not this one. This one. But in my search for sequins, I stumbled across this flashy little new wave number on Amazon. In fact, there's an entire collection of like-minded outfits.

What really caught my eye (besides the giant hypodermic needle and nonsensical lyrics), was that this shirt/dress is exactly the kind of thing my relatives always used to buy me in the late 70s/early 80s.

"Oh, Judy's punk—she'll love this beige t-shirt with a glitter safety-pin embossed across the boobies and the words 'new wave', screaming out from underneath," they'd think to themselves. Looking back, I'm grateful that they tried, but at the time I just found it totally embarrassing.

One of my favorite things . . .

I bought two of these planters from Etsy seller clayflower22 over xmas; ostensibly as gifts. But once I got them home, I couldn't let them leave. They are my new buddies.

Though they're supposed to be planters, I have a bit of a black thumb so for now they're just holding change and paperclips and crap like that. Check out the Kewpie Doll version too. It straddles the creepy/cool line like a champ!

For those of us who like to keep things bottled up inside . . .

. . . and for those of us (me) who probably should keep such ugliness in check.  Must have.

New from Jonathan Adler. Thank you notcot.org for sharing.

The cards are telling me . . .

. . . that people who shell out for the Prada tarot deck are extremely foolish.

Moving Furniture Around

Meet the McGuire-opoulos's new sofa. It's name is Loring and it's from Room and Board. We paid for this bad boy on August 10th and only got it this past weekend. For those of you without a calendar handy, that's almost three months later!!

I guess the delay was because we hated the stock fabric—a kind of polyester faux velvet that made your ass sweat as soon as you sat down—so we had it upholstered in a pricier blue velvet. Nice, right?

I was very excited because, besides from some bookshelves and a mattress, all of my other furniture is something I used to optimistically refer to as "vintage."

Oh, happy day!!!

Not only is the Hello Kitty vibrator back, you can buy them by the six-pack!

I thought it looked like a nice place to buy tube socks

Friday afternoon the big guy and I made a major purchase: We bought a sofa. A beautiful, comfortable sofa we're having reupholstered in deep blue velvet to replace the elderly-when-I-bought-it-ten-years-ago atrocity that's been sitting in my living room. These days, because of the bedbug epidemic, I'd never buy second-hand upholstered furniture, but back then, hey, there was nothing but warehouses on Bayard St., and the Royal Coke was a kickboxing school. Them were simpler, less itchy, times.

Though I'm excited about the new furnishings, the worth-retelling part of our day came as we stopped in an army/navy store on Broadway to buy the man a pair of shorts. As we were on our way in, a fairly normal looking guy stomped past me, his girlfriend in hot pursuit. As he brushed by he growled through gritted teeth, "this is a good place for an ass-fucking."

I don't know if he was talking to me, complaining about the prices (which, by the way seemed reasonable enough), or making a plan for later with his girlfriend. I can see that fluorescent lighting and camo might have a certain appeal, but butt sex wasn't the first thing that came to my mind.

If I Were a Hairy Guy . . .

. . . I'd definitely purchase the Mangroomer do-it-yourself electric back-hair shaver. I mean, have you ever seen anything so cool in your life? This would've been the perfect xmas gift for someone on my list seven or eight exes ago. And at only $39.95, this is quite the bargain.

Check out this feature: "Fully extendable and adjustable handle locks into place at various lengths to reach even the most difficult middle and lower portions of the back" (aka, yer ass!). No more twisting yourself into yoga pretzels just to get that little tail patch!

Another selling point: "When your shirt is off this summer, no back hair is a big plus. Whether you're at the beach or a pool party, use the Mangroomer to avoid embarrassing, hairy-back jokes."

And if you really wanna get fancy, Amazon offers this with the Phillips Norelco Men's BodyGroom appliance for the super-low price of $74.94! So you can have a clean-shaven back and a little heart-shaped pube-lock over your nads!