Bad Advice

I'm giving you the finger, Duane Reade!

Today I went for a stroll around the neighborhood. Just a little errand running, whatnot. I had a new Rx for happy pills, so I stopped by Northside Pharmacy to get it filled. Well, wasn't I surprised to see a woman in a bright yellow Duane Reade t-shirt, standing in front of the store, handing out flyers for the Duane Reade grand opening at Northside Piers!

After I was done scowling at her, I went inside and told the pharmacist that I thought it was pretty ballsy, not to mention, tacky, of Duane Reade to be soliciting their customers. Apparently the pharmacist thought so too, because she shot out of the store and told the woman to move it. Grudgingly, and only after also being yelled by a street vendor, she crossed the road. WTF?! Northside has been in Williamsburg since 1907!* The pharmacists are three nice blonde ladies who will always go the extra mile for their customers, whereas it seems to be Duane Reade policy to hire only the most surly and incompetent clerks to staff their stores.

Maybe it's because I used to work at a small, neighborhood drug store after school when I was a teenager, but I find it comforting to have a pharmacist who knows my name without looking it up. I've seen these ladies be so patient with confused elderly people, and they must know about five languages between them. I will be extremely pissed if they're put out of business by yet another soul-less chain store. Oh, and apparently I'm not the only one who dislikes the Duane Reade.

*To put that in Williamsburg perspective, that's a 46 years after Levi Strauss crafted the first skinny jeans prototype, but 93 years before the Yeah Yeah Yeahs got together.

Damn, that's ugly!

First up, we have the Adidas SLVR Mesh Wedge Sneaker. Aren't you supposed to be able to shoot hoops and run in sneakers? These are over-promising and under-delivering. Except for the fug. They bring that in spades.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I'm planning on making a jellyfish costume for Saturday's mermaid parade and so was looking for pink leggings when I stumbled across these. Not only are they completely hideous (and festooned with Care Bears engaging in adult activities), but they cost $110.00. One store was already sold out of them! I feel certain that if I were able to stay up late enough, I'd see some Williamsburg fashion casualty stumbling down North 6th Street in a pair.

Am I the only one who finds this new/recycled one-shoulder trend disturbing? Granted, I don't have the arms to pull off sleeveless, but even if I were rocking Matuna arms I'd give this look a pass. Much like the way I've always spent half the day pulling the cord out of my ass any time I've attempted to rock a thong, I'd constantly be reaching for the other shoulder. No, thanks.

The world's ugliest chairs

I've decided that I really want a big, crazy, animal-striped chair for the living room . . . something that straddles the line between gaudy and gorgeous. Like a chair Gianni Versace might've owned. Because I'm currently poor I thought I'd check out Overstock.com. What I found there was actually kind of frightening.

This was the first item I uncovered: The Burbank Orange Chair. Despite appearances, this chair is not cheap. If we were playing Price is Right, I would've guessed about $12, and I would've lost. It's actually $279.99. I've never been to Burbank and hadn't realized they favored such uncomfortable-looking seating.
This one is possibly worse than the Burbank Orange, because it's that pale diarrhea shade of brown vinyl that I can't imagine anyone wanting to put in their home, yet a million home-makeover shows illustrate every day how wrong I am. I will never understand Americans' fixation with this milky-brown shade of pleather. Blech. Also, again, not cheap. In fact, it's $659.99. And it doesn't even vibrate.

These big squishy leather (?) chairs are epidemic in American homes (again, I'm gauging by all the home design shows I watch). They completely creep me out for a variety of reasons:
1.) They look like they'll swallow you, chew you up, and then slowly regurgitate you back out onto the carpet.
2.) Sitting in a big squishy leather chair feels like you're being enveloped by a ginormous naked fat person. That does not spell relaxation for me.
3.) Within one week's use, all those cracks and crevices will be packed full of loose change, cookie crumbs, skin flakes, cat hair, and even with a great vacuum cleaner, you'll never be able to suck all that crap out of there.

This makes me :(

Why on earth would anyone want an emoticon shower curtain? For all those mid-bath texting emergencies?

A little shopping post for you.

Did you know it's fashion week here in New York City? Yeah, I wouldn't either except it means my friend Rose has mega-overtime and I don't see her anymore. Since I don't really give a crap what Marc Jacobs is showing this season, I thought I'd celebrate consumerism with a little help from my friend Jules, who has been sharing with me all manner of cute things I might want to buy. Translation: she's bored and work and randomly Googling words like "vulva." Thus, she sends me this fab vadge necklace that some genitalia-obsessed crafter has made:

Now let me be clear, I like vaginas as much as the next gal, but I really can't see walking around with this around my neck. I like penises too and have never been moved to show that sentiment via jewelry. Anyway, if you'd like to purchase the "Vaginal Necklace" (or perhaps an oversized vaginal wallet or felt sew-on vagina dentata patch), check out VulvaLoveLovely's Etsy shop.

Jules also sent me this beautiful romper, thinking (correctly) that there is nothing I like more than an item of clothing that combines my two favorite things in one garment—the cowl neck AND the romper. If only the romper were gaucho-length I'd be right back there in fifth grade. Incredibly, this universally figure-flattering number is available for the recession-friendly price of $325.00! I'll take two, thanks!

This last dopey product I found all on my own—it's mascara, but only for your lower lashes. Huh? All these many years of using mascara and I've been using the same tube for both upper and lower lashes!!! Don't I feel like a dum-dum now. It's also $16, which is approximately three times as much as I pay for my Maybelline Great Lash.
 

Stop me before I buy these boots!

My fascination with jolie laide footwear continues. Obviously. Check out the platform and the faux fur—I'll look as though I have hooves!

Lust

I really want this chair. Isn't it amazing? I just bought a cute new desk, but now I need something to sit in beside the pillow-topped folding chair I'm currently using. Unfortunately, this little beauty is $2,129.00 and so will not be coming home with me. I mean, that's more than I spent on my computer! Sigh. I know I would be a much better writer if I owned this chair.

Speaking of writing—I've got a lot of stuff out this week. Here's my new Seattle column about National Singles Week. Then there's my Frisky column about those dates a girl just shouldn't go on, and last week's roundup of bad advice. Oh, and a Time Out interview with two daters from elsewhere. I have to say, I'm not happy with the Time Out piece, but hey, that happens. I'll bet if I'd been sitting on that chair I would've done a much better job!

Who needs GPS?

The next time I go to LA I'm going to guarantee I don't get lost by slipping into these leggings with an LA County map screened onto them. Though it does appear that Glendale is a one way road to Cameltoe.
 

Need some advice over here. . . .

Do you think this table would work indoors? As a kitchen table? Would it be too flimsy? Would the cat send it flying the first time she jumped up on it? I can't really tell. I can tell you I wouldn't get it in this color—not when fuschia, bright sky blue, and poppy are options.

Also, I got a super crazy piece of hate mail this weekend. I'm up to two or three supremely vitriolic missives a week lately. I guess because The Frisky stuff is running on CNN. Check it out:

You are a PIG! Women are the whores out there. You make it sound like it’s only men who wreck families and bring home disease. Women do all that and kill babies too.

Okay then! Off to wreck a family, spread disease and kill me some babies! (After I get to the bottom of this table dilemma, that is.)

OMG!

These lovely, Dutch-themed Birks are on sale for only $64.95! (Plus shipping, presumably.) Never let it be said that I'm not servicey. (Oooh, and I just saw they're also available in pink!)

UPDATE: I thought this would be clear, but several puzzled emails later show me that it's not. People, I'm KIDDING! No, I don't really want a pair of clogs emblazoned with a folksy windmill. And I'm a little peeved that my friends thought I would. Harumph.