Bad Advice

Revenge is sometimes a dish best served by someone else.

Have you ever worked for a sociopath? I have. His named is Steve Hager and he was my boss at High Times.

The summer that my mom was dying was his most hideous hour as far as I was concerned. Every month or so Steve would cast a different staffer in the role of his mortal enemy. He would alternately shun them, then scream at them. Then he'd go to the owners of the company and try to get them fired and talk shit about them to anyone willing to listen. This particular summer was my turn.

So basically I'd get up in the morning, go to work, attempt to discuss job-related issues with Steve, who would look me up and down and march off without saying a word. (I was the managing editor, so it was vital I be in communication with the editor-in-chief). Then at lunchtime I'd walk over to the hospital and see if I could get my mom to eat something. Often in tears from our visit, I'd return to work for more abuse.

When my mom finally died, Steve signed the group sympathy card, "I hope I never go through what you're going through." Narcissist much?

I was fired shortly thereafter and have pretty much loathed that vile piece of shit ever since. Which is why I was so excited to read Mike Edison's new book, I Have Fun Everywhere I Go.  Mike worked at High Times a few years after I left and quite possibly despises Hager more than I do. Only Mike had the good sense to take notes on Steve's hilariously deranged behavior and make a book out of it. After the jump, some highlights:

Mark Your Calendars!

Please come! There will be merriment! And booze! And contests! And booze!

Tag, I'm it!

Normally I don't respond when people tag me, but I had this really cool old Polaroid of the Determined Dilettante hanging around, so when she tagged me, I figured I'd go for it—plus, this one doesn't require me to reveal any secrets, because I don't have any left.

Here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

1. Dirty Girls, Erotica for Women.
2. Oooh, it's a story by Tenille Brown
3. Um, okay, found it. 
4. "And Doll rested her head on her pillow and obliged, sending her hands and fingers where they were instructed to go, speaking to Manuel in whispers, reaching her peak in groans until she was spent and Manuel's soft voice sang her to sleep.

She felt the water when it hit her feet, soaked through her shoes, and pooled at her feet. The pitcher shook in her hand until she could no longer hold it stead, and it slipped from her fingers and hit the concrete floor.

5. RKB (for obvious reasons), Michael Gonzales (because he finally updated his damned blog), Audacia (because she's probably reading something filthy), Tracey (just because), and I Am Not Star Jones (because I also get excited when the subway goes outdoors).

Radio Radio!

Hey! I'm going to be on the radio today from 11am to 12pm! Go here now! And even if you don't get there in time, you can go there and listen to it later when it's archived. Here's hoping I'm entertaining. Thanks to Jennifer Kelton and Badonlinedates.com.

UPDATE: The show has been archived and you can hear it HERE.

You're Never too Young to Learn

With my guidance, this kid is going to be a pussy magnet by the time he gets to pre-school.

My Dad, the Underminer

Dad: How are book sales going?

Me: Pretty well. I earned out my advance and got my first royalty check already.

Dad: That's what happens when you get a $10 advance.

Hey, What Are You Doing Tonite?

I'm kicking off the Hired Guns book salon tonite! For twenty bucks you can get drunk on wine, eat some cheese, get a copy of my book and listen to me read. OH, and I'm working on a slide show too! Also, if you're unemployed or unhappily employed, Hired Guns is an awesome head-hunting service for creative types, so if you play your cards right, you might also go home with a new job.

Here are the details:
When: 7pm, tonite!
Where:  The Monkey, 37 W. 26th Street, between 6th & Broadway, 12th Floor.

Who Wants to Win a Book?

I cannot answer one more whiny "when should I tell him I have herpes?" type letter in my Seattle Weekly column. Now that the Weekly's no longer distributed in the local prisons, I can't even remember the last time I got a challenging question.

So I'm holding a contest—who ever sends in the most entertaining question wins a copy of my book. Signed or not, your choice. It doesn't have to be an overtly sexual question, but it does have to be interesting, well-written, and hopefully amusing. I've been writing an advice column for eight years now and tend to think I've seen and heard it all. Prove me wrong. Please! Send your letters here and if you want to be in the drawing, include a snail mail address. Deadline is Monday, March 10 at 3pm (EST).

UPDATE: If you don't want, or already have, my book, you can substitute a used copy of the Slash autobiography or Eat Pray Love!

We Have Video!!!!

Though most of my photos from the party came out crappy, here's a video of Jen Dziura reading one of her date stories from my book at Pete's Candy Store! It's really funny and Jen is an amazing performer.

P-P-P-Party!

I was so nervous about my book party. We're talking, completely 'round the bend, nuts . . . so freaked out that I broke out in hives the day before. Did I mention the hives were on my face? Yeah, that was special.

But it was all worth it because the party was so fun! Thank you to everyone who attended and a double thanks to everyone who got up and shared their bad date stories with the crowd. My dad was sitting front and center for all the stories. Luckily he's deaf in one ear and Irish Catholic in the other so he (hopefully) blocked out all the vagina talk.

Unfortunately, in my party tizzy I forgot to take a lot of photos and the ones I did take turned out mostly bad, but here's the lovely and talented trio of Jessica Bryan (People Mag), Ivan Lerner (Chemical Market Reporter) and Tricia McLaughlin (SUNY) thanking the lord that they'll never have to date again.

More photos after the jump.