Bad Advice

Why would anyone buy this chair?

The one on the left, I mean. You see these things and their larger couch cousins on every home makeover show ("before," natch) and they are truly a design atrocity. I can practically hear their owners mewling, "but they're soooo comfortable!"

To that I say, there are many things more important than comfort. (Like being able to walk into your living room without vomiting.) Not only that, but comfort doesn't have to look like a grayish tan marshmallow turd. Its little sister chair in this photo—while something I'd never let pass through my door—isn't half as bad. The set-up kind of reminds me of Archie and Edith's seating situation.

The photo was grabbed from today's Times recession feature, "What You Get for $150k." Shockingly, most of the homes were really cute (fug furnishings aside). As the Times normally tells us what "What You Get for a Kajillion Dollars" this was rather refreshing.

Go, Granny!

Editta Sherman is my hero. She's the sole holdout tenant at the Carnegie Hall apartments and she's not going anywhere. The 96-year-old has lived in her fab studio apartment since 1946 and though her landlord has formally served her with an eviction notice she says, "They'll have to drag me out. They'll have to use their bare hands."

Carnegie Hall plans on repurposing all the apartments for education space, but Sherman and many others (including Frank Sinatra fan, WNYC DJ, Jonathan Schwartz) hold, or held, rent-controlled leases, which are more difficult to void. Predictably, as any time rent stabilization laws come into play, this has the commenters over at Curbed up in freakin' arms. "Drop dead you self-entitled, fat ugly slob," was the first commenter's sentiment. Good to see that "fat" and "ugly" are still the go-to insults even when you're talking about people who are almost 100 years old. Sigh.

"Shame, shame, shame! There will be a special place in Hell for you Editta. Hope it was worth it you cantankerous old loon," said yet another reasonable reader. 

What is wrong with people? Check out the New York mag photo of Editta. She's got her wig on, she did her face and she's showing some serious RACK! I love her and I can only dream of being one-eighth as cool as her. Shame on Carnegie Hall for forcing a cool old broad out of her home.

Here's our tree!

It's shorter than I would've selected, but relationships are about compromise. Ahem. You can't really tell from looking at the photo, but the larger white lights are actually skulls. It's a beautiful tree. I do love me some christmas.

What did Santa bring you?

Me, I got a pretty ring! That's it in the photo. It's white gold with rubies and little diamonds. I was hoping the special photobooth effect would conceal my chubby finger, but nah, it's still obvious. I wish I were one of those women with long, graceful looking digits, but I have to settle for being devastatingly foxy in all other areas instead. It's a curse, I tell you. A curse.

I also got a pretty silver astronaut necklace, a brass Ganesh to replace the super amazing beaded Ganesh curtain that someone insisted we get rid of because he kept getting tangled in it. My family did the right thing and donated to that school in the Ninth Ward, New Orleans, that I told you about. (Not too late to donate! Operators are standing by! Get that last-minute tax write-off!)

For Christmas dinner, I made fondue for my sister Sue, The Big Guy, Heather and her husband, John. It was amazing and if you click that link you can see the recipe I used, only I made it with half Emmenthal and half gruyere instead of all gruyere like they recommend.

Melted cheese is the best food in the world and it is a goddamned shame that it's so high in fat because otherwise I would dip everything I eat into it. Why can't bean sprouts be fatty and cheese be good for you? I've been eating a lot of that low-fat cheese and it's not on the same planet as a hearty, nutty, gruyere. We fired up the pot and dipped asparagus, little red potatoes and garlic-seared steak cubes. Oh, and stale baguette too. The memories alone have me salivating. Baby Cheeses would've definitey approved.

Here's some recent stuff I wrote: To celebrate the holidays at the Seattle Weekly, I dabbled in a little pee play. Over at Time, I talked about whether or not traveling without your beliked was a good idea (answer: sometimes). And at the Frisky, I advised the ladies on New Year's resolutions to avoid.

Last-minute gift guide—Days 7, 6, and 5

  Okay, I've been slacking on this gift-guide crap. Mostly because I've been busy working and trying to figure out what to purchase for my nearest and dearests. (I meant that to be plural.) Also, I'm hosting a gathering of many family members tomorrow and I'm not quite sure where to put them all and how I'm going to feed them.

Day Seven: Anyway—not your problem. Above, see the most beautiful boots on the planet. If there's a deserving lady with great taste on your list, you should buy her those. You have to really like this broad quite a bit as they're $1200. Yikes. I'm a size eight, BTW. Ahem.

If you have any kids on your list, Fred Flare has tons of great, cheap, fun gifties. And I love their motto, Stay Cute!" If those aren't words to live by, I don't know what would be. These colorblock roller skates would snazz up any outfit and will only run you $75. Bacon-flavored dental floss and a 3-D Doodle Kit are much cheaper.

Along the same whimsy-heavy line, Pylones is loaded with bright, shiny, colorful merchandise. I don't know why anyone would want a rolling salt shaker, but isn't it cute? If you like that, you might also enjoy a fantastical squid whisk or little-lady tweezer.

Last-minute gift guide—Day Eight!

Okay, this gift only works if you're a) rich, and b) buying it for me. This teeny weeny house is right on the banks of the Hudson River. It needs to be mine. It seems a little pricey at the moment (it's $125k at only 400 square feet), but if you're a) rich, and b) buying it for me, money is no object, right?

This house is also very cute and comes with all the furnishings! A little more spendy, but I'm worth it. I assure you.

I was reminded that houses are a great gift after watching the Charlie Brown Christmas show and hearing Lucy say that what she really wanted for xmas was real estate. She made a really good point. I don't need another sweater or a festive hat. If you love me, you will show it with real estate. That's all.

Today's cute cat picture.

The kitties and I were watching a History Channel show on prostitution in the old west and Inky got a little over-excited and tried to get in on the action.

Last-minute gift guide—Day Nine!

If for no other reason than that Alex, the owner of Fuego 718, is the nicest man on the planet, you should go visit his beautiful, colorful store. But niceties aside, he has amazing taste. Meaning, I love everything in his store and never ever leave there without buying something. Check out an excerpt from his recent promotional mailing:

If you are having a special difficult time, or if you lost your job, I am asking you from my heart to ask for an special discount: you'll get it! (from my heart). You have my word. I 'll do my best.
Just ask for an extra discount.

See what I mean? He sells Lucha masks, Day of the Dead figures, beautiful locally made jewelry and baby blankets, bags. . . and right now he's got an amazing collection of Christmas ornaments hanging from the ceiling. Five seconds in this store will kill your inner Grinch. Go. Now.

The last-minute shopper's gift guide—Day Ten

I am going to commit to doing at least one blog post a day for the next ten days. During this time I will help you solve those last-minute xmas gifting dilemmas.

As some of you might recall, I'm about to become an auntie for the first time. My brother's wife is due in April—same month as me! (Hopefully the little screamer will make its entrance before or after the 17th so it doesn't steal my birthday thunder.) I was thinking about what to buy my new niece and decided on this plush vulva puppet. Not only is it cuddly, it'll remind the wee one of its first nesting spot. And once my young relation is old enough, I can use it to explain exactly how she came to be. A cozy red and pink talking vagina—what more could any new parents want?

You have three days to do a REALLY good deed

When I was in New Orleans this past October, the highlight of my trip was a drive through the Ninth Ward. Two friends of a friend, Ana and her schoolteacher husband Dave, drove me around, showing me the devastation. I could not believe how totally fucked up everything still is. Dave teaches high school in the Ninth Ward and told me about how bad the kids have it. Some are finishing up school here without their families and most are still traumatized from living through the storm. Though at least they were lucky enough to live through it.

Most lost friends or neighbors, some lost families. These kids have it unbelievably hard and our government is pretty much hanging them out to dry. Dave's school, G.W. Carver High School is trying to get enough money together to build a new football field and track that everyone in the community can use. So far they've raised around $106,000. They're trying to get the NFL Grassroots program to match their funds, so they need to get as much money as possible by Sunday. So you have three days to donate. Please, do it now.