Seattle, Part 1

In retrospect, I should've just left my glass of wine on the table. But it was only my second glass, and I was going to be calling bingo numbers with the mayor of Seattle in front of 750 rabid bingo boys. So I stupidly brought it up on stage with me. . . .

I was understandably very excited about hosting gay bingo. Lifelong AIDS Alliance had been kind enough to fly me out there and put me up, so I wanted to look and act my best. So I went to the highly recommended Vain salon and an incredible makeup artist named Christine worked miracles. I even had false eyelashes! Never has my face looked so fine.

Then I went over to Scarlet's station with my bag of stuff. I had cocktail umbrellas, little pink plastic buddhas and assorted other weird shit I'd picked up at Archie McPhee earlier in the day. Scarlet brushed and teased and pinned and curled. Then we used up about a can of hairspray keeping it all in place.

If I were rich, I'd go get hair and makeup done every single day. Now I understand why famous people are prettier than us. If I had these two ladies on my team, I'd be a much better looking woman.

Kurt B. Reighley (aka KEXP's DJ El Toro), Brendan Kiley and my former editor, Bethany Jean Clement joined me at bingo! Bethany is holding a tiny, champagne bottle of bubbles. Those came in handy later.

My book editor, Terence Maikels, also joined us. Here he is trying to absorb a little of Bethany's bingo know-how.

Before bingo began in earnest, the hostess, Lady Chablis (not the Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil one—the Pacific Northwest version) made everyone stand up, raise our daubers and take a pledge that there'd be no fighting. We had to promise to remember at all times that this was just a game and it was for a good cause.

There was such an emphasis on everyone getting along that you had to wonder whether there'd been bingo brawls in the past.

Earlier in the evening, the delightful stage manager had shown me around, warning me not to touch the bingo table and that "Miss Titty" would show the ball and all I was to do was read out the number. Oh, and the mayor was also going to be reading out numbers. I'd gotten some dirt on the mayor earlier (not much—his son had just gotten out of jail) and was planning on making a few jokes at his expense. Ah, the best laid plans. . .

Anyway, so the mayor calls a couple games and then I'm announced. I head up to the stage to zero applause. That's kind of embarrassing, but whatever. We're here to play bingo. I'm carrying a glass of wine and a bottle of water—one must rehydrate if one is going to be speaking into a microphone! And I needed my small plastic tumbler of grapey goodness to provide me with false courage. I have to guess this was a bad move though, as Lady Chablis shot me a stern look and mouthed something I couldn't understand. I didn't want to stop and ask her in front of 750 people, so I ambled on, took my seat next to Mayor Nickels and promptly dumped my wine on my lap and down my legs. Which were bare, so I didn't even have black stockings to soak up my humiliation.

I gasped in horror and froze. Then the mayor reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a freshly washed hankie. My hero! I mopped up quickly, but by this point I am completely frazzled (and not even drunk—that was going to be my second glass!) and Lady Chablis rolled her eyes at my staggering incompetence, sending me deeper into a shame spiral. "Call the number," she barked.

Huh?

"Call the number!" I looked around and realized a bingo ball was being held up to my face and I was supposed to read it. So I did. The rest of the evening passed quickly. Lady Chablis ignored me, and the mayor and I did what I suppose was a competent job. And then it was over. There was no banter, no joking and I can't help but think I pretty much blew it, which I feel really guilty about.

However, I did come away with one pretty sweet souvenir. Behold the wine-soaked mayoral hankie:

Comments

[Sarah]

Lookin' DOPE Ms. McGuire. Bingo-night props to you and your beauty staff!

Sorry to hear about your spill woes, but, wasn't it soooooo worth it for the Mayoral hankie?

[Tracey]

Wow!..So pretty! Can't wait for part 2!

[kate c.]

gor-geous. totally.
a little spilled wine does not ruined evening make. you rocked.

[Scarlett]

Oh my goodness Ms. McGuire! You are GORGEOUS! And I love even the phrase "Mayoral hankie"!

[Judy McGratefulForCosmetics]

For every cute picture of me, there are three triple-chinned horrifying ones! But thank you, ladies. I appreciate it.

[ks]

I'd chime in with the male perspective of "looking good!" but I'd get repeatedly cuffed about the face if I did.

We want to see a picture of you at Gay Bingo in full regalia--in part 2, we hope?

[Bingo was his name-O in Hudson]

Has anyone mentioned how Bingo-licious you look?

[miss carly]

Ooh, so so pretty, Miss Jude! Well done. And it ain't a party till someone makes a mess with the alcohol (spill the wine, dig that girl!). Miss Lady Chablis/Miss Thing needs to remove that stick from her tuchis.

[sooz]

That's my sis and she always looks gorgeous..