No More!

Dear Hollywood,
The next time you have a role that requires fucked-up teeth, a big nose, some weird bone structure and an extra ten or twenty pounds, could you just hire an actual ugly actress to play the part? I can't really think of any off the top of my head—because even extras in dog food commercials have to be stick thin and drop-dead beautiful—but I'm sure they exist.

I am so sick of these gorgeous women being lauded with Oscars for being "brave" enough to play ugly for a couple months of their lives. Feh. Tyra in a fat suit does not a Fat Tyra make, know what I'm talking about?

Plus, La Vie en Rose was really fucking dull. I had really been looking forward to it, which made this fact doubly annoying. I eventually had to walk away because Edith Piaf could not fucking kick fast enough for me. It went on and on forever. When you're shrieking "die!" at your TV, maybe it's time to turn it off. Which I did.

Charlize Theron's turn in Monster was unintentionally hilarious, but Oscar-worthy? Not even close. Sure, she did the Hollywood-unthinkable and gained twenty pounds, but really, all that did was make her not severely underweight for a couple months. Brave would've been hiring a real crackhead for the role. Not to mention that Charlize's retard drawl was an insult to white trash everywhere. I could go on but I won't.

Just do me a favor and consider hiring a genuine fugly person the next time you need one. Otherwise, just give the Oscar to the makeup department.
Yours,
Judy

P.S. John Travolta? Your "hair" is about as real as Kenickie's sobriety.

Comments

[angry fattie]

um, shallow hal anyone?
puke.

[bjk]

There should be a special category for retarded/ugly/mute/dying of cancer roles. The "everybody gets an award" category.

[bjk]

There should be a special category for retarded/ugly/mute/dying of cancer roles. The "everybody gets an award" category.

[Sophia Loren]

I have been reading your blog for a while, subsequently began reading your articles, went out purchased your book, AND recommended it to my friends. Ehem. Please keep this in mind as you read on. I'm afraid I am about to become one of those dissenters whom you enjoy ripping a new asshole.

Whatever integrity the Oscars once held is null and void at this point in time. Like Cash Cab, it's all a great big sham. Comon, John Travolta has a vote (and they thought it was a good idea to publicize this). Of course the prettier, skinnier, younger actresses are going to win the awards. It's the American way. Hellen Mirren was a pleasant surpise last year as Marion Cotillard has been this year because of three pesky words:

American Cultural Imperialism.

It's not enough that we invade with force and impose our political beliefs on other countries. We also have to invade with Madonna (oh wait, she's British now isn't she?), Sylvester Stalone, and Ronald McDonald to impose Hollywood, shitty food, and innumerable other cultural standards across the globe. You can see the Golden Arches from the Great Pyramids and Blonde Ambition t-shirts seemed to be a dress code requirement for the teenagers of Indonesia when I lived there in the early 90s.

Cotillard is only the second foreign recipient of the best actress award, the first being Sophia Loren.Yes, the movie was slow, painfully so (not her fault - blame the editor, director, et.al); yes, it is obnoxious that wearing disfiguring makeup, fat suits, or lip-syncing will almost guarantee you a win (all of the above and you'd have to make a homophobic slur on set in order not to win). BUT we live in a country where any requirement to read, especially in a medium that many consider a replacement for reading, becomes a MAJOR deterrent for the MAJORity of the population. We expect everyone else to speak our language as well. No thanks to subtitles, La Vie En Rose grossed 10 million stateside, 71 worldwide while Juno (the little Indie film that could) grossed 130 mil here and only 30 overseas. And don't get me started on Juno. Funny movie, good screenplay, decent directing...but best actress?!?!? Sarcasm, sarcasm, a tear or two, some guitar playing, and then more sarcasm? Not so much. I expected Ellen Page to win because that is how much faith I have in the Oscars.

Just to clarify, I know little of Cotillard and she obviously knows little of Los Angeles. "There is some angels in this city." Are you kidding me? That place is a cesspool. "You rocked my life. You truly rocked my life" kicked in my gag reflex. I am neither a huge fan of her nor movie but I will give some credit to Oscar for expanding his horizons and giving one of his biggest honors to a foreign film.

That being said the Oscars are still a bunch of bullshit. But hey, it is better to have a meaningless debate over this than Britney's sanity (or lack thereof). For that I can just turn on CNN.

Anyway I always look forward to new posts and loved your book.