Since my very special L Word Viewing Party got cancelled, leaving Mabel the Cat and I to watch solo, I thought I'd give live-blogging a try. I know from watching the previews that the Ghost of Dana will be making an appearance. I wish the L Word was like a real soap opera, because then Dana would really be back because it would turn out that her death was faked by a rich (royal) relative who spirited her away to Bulgaria for a controversial, un-FDA-approved cure. At worst we'd at least have an evil twin to comfort us. But alas, I'm betting that we're merely talking flashback tonite. Sigh.
I've never done a live-blog before, so forgive me if I get distracted and give up halfway through.
9:44 Wasting time watching the Fine Living channel because I aspire to be the kind of person who lives a Fine Life. So far, I'm not finding much to relate to. Oooh, they just ran a commercial for the film version of Running with Scissors. Am I the only person who hated this book? I mean, besides the family who are suing him. It was almost as irritating as the film, which I rented only for Annette Bening.
9:49 I turned to Showtime because I was finding it hard to relate to Fine Living. What's "Hick-Spanic?" Is this like that white trash, get-er-done comedy show, but for Hispanic peeps? I'll let you know if I laugh.
9:51 Not laughing.
9:56 Haven't even cracked a smile, but today I made this banana bread and it KICKED ASS! I may go cut me another slice.
9:57 Oooh, the comedy show is over! Now only an overly long Tudors commercial and we can get started! I'm feeling very Shane today!
9:59 OMG! No Tudors commercial! Just a recap from last week! Yippee!
10:01 Uh oh. I hate bluesy folk music, but it's causing Bette to have some sort of revelation, so it's not all bad. A revelation that is unfortunately cut short by the hideous Betty theme song.
10:03 Jenny just ordered a coffee beverage so complicated I can't even remember it, and it was only a second ago. But, of course, it involves soy product and three pumps of something. If I were the Planet barista I so would've spat in that thing. Jenny runs into Tina and informs her she's getting a puppy. A pomeranian to make up for Sounder, the dog she adopted to have killed.
10:06 Why can't I remember Shane's girlfriend's name? I guess it's because as soon as I get attached to one of Shane's girls, she gets dumped. What's the point?
10:06 Apparently Alice is less-than-pleased that Tasha is going back to Iraq. She appears to be taking it out on Tasha by wearing some of the most hideous jewelry I've ever seen. The necklace looks like handcuffs, but made of coconut shells. I hope it was a gift and Alice is just being polite.
10:08 Papi busts Helena on being Katherine's maid. "I'm not cut out to live modestly," Helena snips by way of reply. Ooh, snap!
10:10 Tina busts Bette (again) for being a control freak and tries to make nice-nice with Marlee Matlin for her by texting sweet nothings Jody's way. Bette looks appreciative because she sure couldn't have thought of what to say on her own. Der.
10:12 Though the Annabella Sciorra character bugs me (I think it's the constant array of newsboy caps), I LOVE that she's getting Jenny fired. I also love that her face is a little hagged out, in a very attractive, real way.
10:13 "Mom, I don't want you to be a lez!" Little Jared is upset that Shane's leading mommy down the lesbo path. Unfortunately for young Jared, the allure of the Shane poonanie has deafened mommy to his pleas.
10:16 Shit! Tina confesses to Kate what we've all known—she still wants Bette! I can't believe that big hunky Henry couldn't keep her satisfied!
10:17 Is Joyce the only lesbian lawyer in town? She kind of creeps me out. Both Joyce and Phyllis (whom I predict will end up together) are ganging up on Bette, telling her to go for Jodi (Marlee Matlin), citing their great, big, fat love. Didn't they date for like a week? I've had periods that lasted longer than their relationship.
10:20 Jenny's fluffy Paris Hilton dog just peed on the big Hollywood meeting room table. Also, Tina called Jenny a cunt! Yesss! If anyone deserves the c-word in front of a room full of film execs, it's Jenny Schecter.
10:22 Speaking of cunts, Bette is baring her soul over the phone to Jody's translator and it's really annoying. I hope they end this storyline, because it's just not working for me.
10:25 Bette has decided to make the grand gesture to win Jody (and her interpretor) back. She's talked Shane and Alice into helping her illegally remove a giant metal sign on top of a building. Bette knows Jody will love it, and in turn her. Never mind that it's about 30 feet high and is definitely not going to fit in the back of Max's van. Alice just called Shane "Fatty." Heh. Get it, because she's so skinny! I love Alice.
10:30 In perhaps the most far-fetched storyline ever, Papi is upset that Kit is back with Angus. I mean, I'm upset that Kit is back with him, but for different reasons. Oh, and Helena please grow a set and kick Katherine's ass already.
10:32 Poolside film meeting with Kate and the Merkin! "Are you going to kill that dog too?" asks the Merkin as Jenny scuttles up to kiss Kate's ass. Jenny goes ballistic when she finds out the two of them are together. Hee hee. Jenny's new pomeranian is also named Sounder.
Kate/Annabella Sciorra looks Jenny up and down and says, "You're more twisted than Tina said you were." It's a pile-up on Jenny! Could this mean that Jenny is going to go off the deep end and kill herself? Oooh, please!
10:42 And heeeere's Dana! Oh, I miss Dana. She knows Alice so well and so has decided to visit her and dispense counsel from the great beyond. I'm sad all over again! She knows that Alice is scared because someone she loved very much (hullo, Dana!) disappeared on her once before. Awwww. Dana's ghost is really giving it to her! Nooo! Be nice to Alice! She's sad.
"You really curse a lot more," Alice tells Ghost of Dana. But in the end Alice obeys and heads off to Tasha's party.
10:35 Joyce refuses to represent Phyllis because she wants to git with her! Who predicted that!!!! Yay!
10:37 WTF? Shane wants to move in with her girlfriend already? I already know this broad is leaving the show, so I guess we have some tragic lady fight to look forward to. But first there's going to be some sex. Boobies!
10:39 I spoke too soon. The Leave it to Beaver (not that kind) fantasy sequence is a real buzzkill.
10:45 Truer words have never been spoken by Jenny as she turns to Shane at Tasha's going-away party and proclaims, "People think I'm a pariah." Shane weakly tries to assure her that's not true, but c'mon, Shane. Jenny IS a pariah. Yet somehow Angus is not. Kit's all wrapped around him like he's an ice cold Corona.
10:48 Katherine is gross and Helena should at least slap the bitch. But, oooh, on the beach Tina and Kate are about to have a romantic moment so of course, Bette calls to interrupt. Did you ever notice that exes have secret radar and can sense when you're getting together with someone else?
Oh boy, the writers have resorted to a really lame device to fuck up things between Kate and Tina. Oy vey. But back in the mansion, Helena has memorized the safe combination and is busily loading all of Katherine's money into one of her spare Prada bags!!! Yay!!!!
OH WAIT—Jenny's dragging a raft into the ocean, with Sounder, of course. I guess so she can have another dead canine on her conscience. Oh, what a tragic, poetic end Jenny will have, getting dried out like a raisin in the sun. I'd prefer she come to a more violent end—like a shark attack—but this will do.
10:51 Uh, oh—Sounder is just like Lassie! He comes yapping back to let everyone know that attention hog Jenny has set sail to (hopefully) eternal damnation at the bottom of the sea. Ooh and Pink is playing! "Dear Mr. President!" But, um, isn't Pink a closet case? I know she's married to that cute snowboarder guy, but I've always heard she's a lady lover. Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter.
10:53 Bette completes the big gesture and flies across country bringing Jody the ginormous sign that she illegally moved from a building in broad daylight. I don't know if she checked that shit or Fed-Exed or what. I know it's too big to fit in the overhead compartment though. Cue happy reunion between the two. Snore.
10:54 Pan onto the beach, back in LA. There's waves lapping, clumps of seaweed. . . could it be the wrecked raft containing Jenny's parched remains?!? Ack! Nah, just Alice and Tasha sharing a tender moment before Tasha marches off to battle. Sigh.