When it comes to Michelle Pfeiffer, I never really had a strong opinion one way or the other. She's pretty. She's blonde. Her eyes are a lovely shade of blue and she looks decades younger than her age (which is 48). But when I saw her cover line on the latest issue of Allure (we get it at the office for free), I nearly choked: "Beautiful Women Tend to Get Used."
Oh really? That's tragic. I hear the obscenely wealthy also get blisters on their fingers from counting their money. Maybe next month Allure will come up with a cure for that.
My granny panties in a knot, I had to read more. The piece's author, Judy Bachrach—herself no slouch in the looks department—breathlessly recounts ". . . beauty was, at times, the very element that thwarted both her career and her personal life."
Oh, please! Maybe Pfeiffer missed out on a couple burn-victim or fat-girl roles, but guess what—all her life she's also gotten to cut to the head of the line at Starbucks without anyone saying a word. I'm betting over the course of her 48 years on this planet, she was purchased about a billion drinks by a million panting men, who ignored the nice, average-looking ladies sitting right next to her. Where shabby bitches like me are looked on as potential shoplifters, I'm betting Pfeiffer was treated like a star at bitch emporiums like Bergdorf's even before she was famous. Michelle Pfeiffer most definitely had a date to the prom.
But that's not good enough for Pfeiffer. She whinges, "When I was coming up in the business, beautiful actresses weren't really 'in,'" citing well-known barkers Meryl Streep and Glenn Close as examples. I hope Glenn boils her bunny after she reads that. Newsflash, dumbass, "gorgeous" has never been "out."
But wait, there's more. Pfeiffer reveals, "In fact, for the longest time I wouldn't even talk about how being beautiful got in my way, because I felt by admitting, it was like giving it power."
Actually, it just makes you look really fucking stupid.