Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Beautiful!

When it comes to Michelle Pfeiffer, I never really had a strong opinion one way or the other. She's pretty. She's blonde. Her eyes are a lovely shade of blue and she looks decades younger than her age (which is 48). But when I saw her cover line on the latest issue of Allure (we get it at the office for free), I nearly choked: "Beautiful Women Tend to Get Used."

Oh really? That's tragic. I hear the obscenely wealthy also get blisters on their fingers from counting their money. Maybe next month Allure will come up with a cure for that.

My granny panties in a knot, I had to read more. The piece's author, Judy Bachrach—herself no slouch in the looks department—breathlessly recounts ". . . beauty was, at times, the very element that thwarted both her career and her personal life."

Oh, please! Maybe Pfeiffer missed out on a couple burn-victim or fat-girl roles, but guess what—all her life she's also gotten to cut to the head of the line at Starbucks without anyone saying a word. I'm betting over the course of her 48 years on this planet, she was purchased about a billion drinks by a million panting men, who ignored the nice, average-looking ladies sitting right next to her. Where shabby bitches like me are looked on as potential shoplifters, I'm betting Pfeiffer was treated like a star at bitch emporiums like Bergdorf's even before she was famous. Michelle Pfeiffer most definitely had a date to the prom.

But that's not good enough for Pfeiffer. She whinges, "When I was coming up in the business, beautiful actresses weren't really 'in,'" citing well-known barkers Meryl Streep and Glenn Close as examples. I hope Glenn boils her bunny after she reads that. Newsflash, dumbass, "gorgeous" has never been "out."

But wait, there's more. Pfeiffer reveals, "In fact, for the longest time I wouldn't even talk about how being beautiful got in my way, because I felt by admitting, it was like giving it power."

Actually, it just makes you look really fucking stupid.

Comments

[Scarlett]

I'm right there with you Judy. While I like Michelle Pfeiffer, I have about zero tolerance for her whinging about being beautiful. Oh boo-hoo, you were pidgeon-holed as a beautiful woman? I bet the swooning men in every direction and all the other benefits IT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED that good looking people get versus their homely counterparts were a nice salve on that wound.

[unsubstaniated rumors]

A friend of a friend of a friend of a little bird (who claims this story was told to him by Buck Henry) told me:

Michelle Pfieffer reportedly never had to wait tables or wash dishes or any of those mundane jobs
as she clawed her way up: she worked as a high-priced call girl in her salad days (not
that I have anything against that--but even as a working girl, it seems like she's had it easy--it's not like she had to deal with the hoi polloi--only those w/ boo-coo $$$$).

This is mentioned so as to continue to rain on the Pfeif's parade.

[Dubarry]

get real. waitress-actresses and dishwasher(wtf?)-actresses can be hookers just as easily. to be honest, i don't believe michelle pfieffer ever HAD to be a hooker, she's good looking enough not have. it's the 6, 7s and 8s that turn tricks (and ooh, lucky for them, they are 10+s on the hooker beauty scale). plenty of well-known actresses have supported themselves this way. but, not, trust me, the gaspingly breathtaking ones -- no need.

now, that i'm thinking of it, that story probably derives from some retard's interpretation of the fabulous baker boys. that's what hollywood thinks hookers look like, anyone that knows anything about hookers knows better.

[Stephanie]

Judy, you sound like one of those girls who treat pretty girls like crap just because of the way they look. Pretty girls DO get treated differently and plenty of it, as the tone of your rant demonstrates, is negative. They're judged for the way they look, all sorts of things are assumed about them, and they're not allowed to talk about how people treat them badly for being attractive. Attractive people don't even have the luxury of being outspoken like you; they have to work harder to be nice than anyone else, because everyone from 1-8 is waiting for any reason to justify not wanting them around.

god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room

[Jules]

That's a funny one, Stephanie. Thanks for the laugh!

Pity the poor pretty girl
she never buys her own drinks!
It must be very demeaning
Worrying what everyone thinks!
Everyone wants a piece of her
And no on understands!
it's very stressful and painful
to be in such demand!
Never having to pay full price
And making more money than you!
Everyone is so mean and jealous!
Waaaahhh!! Booooo hooooooo!

[Judy McLaughingHerAssOff]

Jules, you are the funniest bitch I know. Too bad you're also pretty so I have to hate you.

Stephanie, you gave me a great idea—-from now on, everyone who comments has to utilize iambic pentameter! No exceptions!!!!

[rose]

not only is jules the funniest and prettiest but she's a poet!!!

[threetoedsloth]

Did Michelle Pfeiffer just refer to Meryl Streep as NOT beautiful?? Back in the 70s and 80s that woman was breathtaking! And she still looks pretty amazing today, come to think of it!

[Judy McLaughingHerAssOff]

The author actually used them both as examples--I don't have the article in front of me, but it was implied that's what MP was saying. And yeah, I KNOW! Ill-advised ethnic Oscars jewelry aside, the woman is a fox.

Oh, and three-toed sloth and Rose--you both ignored the new poetry rule.

[Stephanie]

The really interesting thing is that pretty girls don't have a choice about being pretty. That's just the way they are. It's the unattractive girls who think being attractive is such a big deal. It's ironic that ugly girls place a higher value on physical appearance than pretty girls.

Pretty girls don't have it any easier than less attractive girls. If you weren't so shallow and full of yourself, you might be able to understand that. But of course that won't happen, because then you couldn't write this column.

But I guess until then pretty girls will just have to stop bathing and get more tattoos until they're ugly enough to not warrant instantaneous hatred.

Punk rawk!

[Jules]

Wow -- you're right. That is a "really interesting thing."

Now why don't push off? We're too shallow and full of ourselves to listen to too much more of this.

[I am not Star Jones]

Ms. Pfeiffer has a movie coming out and what else does she have to discuss that would make her interesting?

From where I'm sitting -- she has a good life. Successful career, family, husband.

Not sure if that makes her happy (and I so don't care) but even if it doesn't, she has the resources to change it.

The complaints about pretty are just a way to justify her coverage.

She's not giving her pretty away to anyone even with all its disadvantages.

[Stephanie]

I thought you found me funny? Actually, Jules, I can see your point. If free drinks and male attention is really what life is all about to you, I can see why you would throw a tantrum when there are people who get those things more than you. Not only that, they're so ungrateful! I don't know why Judy is complaining, I'm sure she gets free drinks, but I still don't really see why getting free drinks is such a big deal. If you hate buying them so much, stop drinking or act sleazy and men will get the message. Either should be easy enough. And I hope Jules is actually pretty, because it would be unbecoming of Judy to talk shit about a minority group of people if she couldn't say she had friends of that minority group.

Can't Judy block me from commenting when I cease to amuse her? If not you can be sure I'll "shove off" if she requests, right after I quit shoreleave.

[Virginia]

I love this thread! Esp. that Michelle Pfeiffer would name names of the "known barkers" who stole the juicy, homely roles. Esp. bitchy since she and Glenn Close starred together in Dangerous Liaisons.

I have to say I thought MP was better than GC or John Malkovich in that.

I actually really like her as an actress. But she did climb up my nerves when I picked up a magazine with her on the cover (not the known barker bitchfest, a different one. Is she pushing a movie now" she's everywhere), She said she'd had no plastic surgery.

Puh-leeze. Stop lying or tell us about your airbrusher or your pic of Dorian Gray, because there's no way she's almost 50 like that in real life. She looks younger than she did in Scarface; she looks like a teenager.

Here's my poetry:

Michelle turned tricks,
gets her old face fixed
dissed her dog sistas
plays too many ditzes

But her and Jeff Bridges
All hot like bitches
in heat in Baker Boys
wins over press noise.

Even if her great roles are long ago, I still loves me my shallow, slutty, fembot Michelle (who probably is a stupid person prettiness-prejudice aside).

Re that pain of gorgeous people, I think there's something to it. It's not an issue that's ruined MY life, but I've observed pretty girls, especially petite Asians or girlish blondes (like Pfeiffer) be totally disrespected, patted on the head, strutted and showed off in front of, hit on by status-conscious creeps, attacked by insecure men, and not listened to. It ain't Darfur to be too pretty, but it can suck the way getting sterotyped always does.

[osisbs]

Georgeous women are usually the first targets of a-holes and egocentric bastards. Sane guys who don't beat the hell out of women usually don't just walk up to 10's and buy them drinks. So, she's got that going for her.

[helene]

you would be surprised how awful it feels- this constant hostility without a reason. Remember that if you are very beautiful no woman will ever help you, or advise you, or even smile at you. You are exiled to live in the world of men- and, yes, the insecure men (the overwhelming majority)- as bitchy and envious as mediocre women- are going to be attacking you, perhaps even while buying you those drinks. In short, if you are really beautiful you are forced to be in the world on your own- which forces you to learn to think. For this reason I highly doubt that there were many silly beautiful women in the world- but remember it takes an extroordinary willpower to resist the non-ending daily stream of insults and bullying from ugly stupid women and stupid men in order to keep behaving like a self-respected thinking person.

[Rally Vincent]

Helene, you're a fucking moron. I have been both very unattractive and very attractive (depends how much time I'm willing to put up in front of the mirror). When I wear glasses and hardly any makeup, I notice the guys arent lining up. When i wear contacts and makeup the guys line up like dumb asses. I get hit on all the time whereas with glasses these same guys ignore and push me to the side. Women dont hate me when Im attractive or unattractive. They always tell me I'm cute. And btw I have never hated a woman because she's beautiful, I have disliked women (whether ugly or attractive) for being shallow. However you are not only shallow but a person who doesnt even realize that she is the stereotype of a useless girl who thinks she says anything remotely interesting.

[lovelovelove]

Rally Vincent: The likely scenario is that you ARE cute. But perhaps not michelle pfeiffer cute. if you were, you would definitely understand how lonely it is to be beautiful. but one other thing to consider is that most men will put themselves out there for a woman that's a 5-7 before a 9 or 10 because it's EASIER. and if the woman is wearing makeup? if it's a lot of makeup, they may assume you are premiscuous and they'll make the effort. also, putting on makeup will signal to a man, hey, this girl follows the beauty norms of society and will probably be more likely to follow the dating norms...and by extension marriage norms (if it were to get that far) and many other things he may want out of you, from a one night stand to marriage. all i have to say is that i'm so thankful we have this opportunity to talk about this issue because it IS important and if we didn't have the guise of this blog, these things would never be said.

[Kelly]

I can't beleive this. Michelle Pfeiffer is a talented actress who is gorgeous. Just because she realizes she's pretty and isn't afraid to tell the public that it sometimes is hard to be pretty doesn't mean she's a bitch that's had plastic surgery. Grow up and why don't we all stop trying to focus on being ugly or pretty. Yea it'd be nice if we could all be movie-star fabulous, but get this: We are not. And there are many different kinds of beauty. And anyway, who's to say what is and isn't beautiful.

"Our backrounds and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for what we become."
-author unknown